The Jumbles of My Brain

so long sweet summer

2009-08-09T22:15:00.002-04:00

what the hell is this???

next week school starts. and i still feel like im waiting for summer to start!!

i feel angry. i dont know why. i just feel like i havnt made the most of this summer. i havnt done anything. it doesnt feel like it should be almost over. it just hit me. WHAM! school starts next week! klmasldkf ml;a. i just cant believe it. i really cant. i want my summer back. i want to rewind it and start over. choose an alternate ending that leaves me so much happier.

nothing has happened. i didnt take in all of the things i love most about it. the heat didnt happen. i didnt lay in the grass. i didnt search for lemonade stands. i didnt swim. i didnt just sit and do nothing and breath. i love summer air and the feeling and greatness of it. but i didnt take it in. i feel like i missed something. everything. it always means so much to me. its my favorite season. the time for opportunity and a new beginning. but no. i just let it go. and i feel so angry about it. and what sucks is i just cant take it back. it isnt possible.

i wish i had a magic remote like in click.

rewind with me and live

i love you.

ashleyy

friday night freakout

2009-08-06T18:55:00.006-04:00

...well thursday but whatever

i had registration today. i love registration day. you see your friends and find out your classes. and i went school supply and clothes shopping. it was so fun. i all around feel more prepared for junior year. but im FREAKING OUT.

ive compared schedules with all my friends and i dont have any classes with any of them. jon and kelsey both have different classes and lunches than me. im afraid i wont see them at all. i dont know what ill do. im so scared that ill be all alone next year. i was planning on having them around to help me through the day. not to mention spanish (yikes). my mom said its an opportunity to make new friends which i guess is true but i dont need new friends. i dont really want them either. im comfortable in my circle of friends and i like where i stand. but i guess a new person is alright. i just hope i have someone to talk to and exchange looks with during those dull classes.

my class schedule is kind of a handful too. ive got some tough classes. thank God for kilmer. heres my schedule...

this is gonna suck
1st semester:
1-integrated chem/physics- walker
2- spanish 3-ragon
3- us history- fraze, a
4-study hall- mudrack
5-english 11/h- schaefer
6-precalc/trig- vanderlaan
7-drawing- kilmer
lunch: c normal. b block day

2nd semester:
1-advanced fashion- mulligan
2-english 11/h- schaefer
3-study hall- bowie
4-spanish 3- ragon
5-us history- snyder
6-icp- chapman
7-precalc/trig- vanderlaan

oh and did i mention lunch? scary stuff. ahhhh. wish me luck.

i love you

pass me a note?

ashleyy

frightened of the future

2009-07-28T20:48:00.003-04:00

i was thinking today about how in a few short weeks school is starting. and then i thought "wow. i only have two years left of highschool, i still have no idea what im doing with my life."

ever since freshman year, we've been expected to look to our future. sign up for certain classes that give us a taste of a profession and prepare us. but after two years of highschool i feel even less prepared. i just feel overwhelmed. i have no idea what i want to be or who i want to be when i get out of highschool. i know i want to go to college but unlike most people, i dont even have an idea of any college to go to. im not even sure what interests me. i know art makes me happy and fashion gets my mind moving and excited and i really like to write. but there arent really any reachable jobs with that. when i think of fashion and writing and art i think big citys: new york, london, paris, chicago. not fort lame, indiana. i just dont see myself getting anywhere from here. i need a taste of something new. i need something to give me a spark of inspiration. i always thought something would hit me and i would just know. i thought it would be fate. but i havnt seen a road sign pointing me in the direction i need to go yet. i guess ill just have to get through highschool and hopefully come across one.

i want to go on a roadtrip.

come with me?

i love you

ashleyy

urban word of the day:
Writer's crap
Derived from 'writer's cramp', writer's crap reffers to a stage when one is only capeable of writing utter crap.

im just not feelin it

2009-06-16T23:55:00.003-04:00

ITS SUMMER!!

everyone looks forward to it. lounging by the pool. lying in the grass. looking at the clouds. hitting up the closest lemonade stand. going on late night walks and not needing a jacket.

its all fine and dandy and i love it all. but for some reason...

im just not feelin it.

i dont know why. i LOVE summer! but i cant get into the mood. i just spend my days being bored. and for some reason, my creativity is gone.

i HATE it. my creative side usually comes pretty easily. but lately i just havnt had that spark. thats why i havnt written in so long. i cant get in the mood. i want to have it so badly, its like a craving. maybe i need to get away. see something new besides little ole fort wayne. i need a new crowd. my crowds been pretty slim lately anyway. theyre mysteriously out of touch. i dunno. but i need SOMETHING. i need a jumpstart. i just have no clue how to get it.

i want to create. i want to buy a sewing machine. but who knows how much they cost. and i want to paint. i want to draw. i want to color with crayons and make it look like piccasso. i want to write a novel. i want to inspire someone, somewhere, with something. but i dont know how to make it happen. it feels like a vaccume just came and sucked it all outta me. hey hoover give it back!

thats my new mission. figure it all out. get myself straight again. reconnect the dots. listen to some music. make some music. oh geesh practice that damn guitar. make a whole new ashley thats maybe not so new but has been hiding for a while.

ill start tomorrow. er today its 12:06. but i need sleep to juice up the brain.

here goes nothin

i love you!

ashleyy

UGH

2009-04-15T23:22:00.002-04:00

I AM JUST SO TIRED

im not even sure why

i just feel overwhelmed with anything and everything

I NEED A BREAK

i just want to take a day off of everything. no tennis, no school, no communication with anyone whatsoever. just sleep and read all day and plan. plan for what will later come. plan for the future. but nothing stressful. just blissful imagining that will probably never come true.

i need some downtime

anyone know a good way to convince a parent you need a mental health day?

i love you

ashleyy

ok wow

2009-04-10T01:00:00.005-04:00

its been forever to say the least

and i feel bad because this is all im going to say today

im tired.

sorry lovelies! ill post tomorrow.

busybusybusy

i love you!

ashleyy

urban dictionary's word of the post:
bitchassness
newly discovered disease running rampant, especially in the black community. symptoms include:

1.punkish tendencies see pussy or pussy nigga

2. cattiness, such as talking behind someone's back

3. thinking highly of yourself, but only expressing it under your breath

4.claiming "hurt feelings" when you are called out on your bullshit

Robert of Making the Band 4: "Bitchassness is a disease...and it fucks shit up..."

color my world

2009-03-10T20:34:00.002-04:00

i want to jump through a mirror and emerge in a world of color and wonder...oh wait no need, im already in one

lately old fort waynes been under a torrential downpour. im already sick of rain. the only thing i like about it is that it always brings color. i cant wait until it gets warm and green leaves start growing on trees and flowers start to bloom. and GRASS. i love grass, its one of my favorite things of summer which is weird. i just love the feeling of it under your feet and just laying in it and looking at the sky.

but anywho.

i love the post-rain feeling. when all the sudden the sun comes out of the clouds and BAM! the gray is gone and light shows through. its great. you smell that fresh smell thats so overwhelming. and if youre lucky you can even see a rainbow.

hmm hmm im in a weird mood today. good thing i have a keyboard at my fingers so you can get the outcome of it! lucky you lucky you. maybe not. whatever.

life is good right now for those who care. it really really is. although ive realized recently that im at an extreme shortage of friends at the moment (all of them keep moving!), the ones i have are fantastic. like miss kelseygingerpants for example. and i have a boyfriend whos actually good and not a complete jerk. and tennis is starting. not to mention my parents are finally letting me get my permit and do drivers ed! im going on thursday. i really hope everyone elses life is as dandy as mine. and if not, then you can come to me and ill share mine. theres plenty of room and im always open to help.

grab a crayon and color my world

i love you

ashleyy

oh and ive decided to do an urban dictionary word on every post just for kicks.

tired high
a state of altered perception brought on by a lack of sleep
ex- when he started to hallucinate he wasn't sure if it was the weed or if he was just tired high
ex 2- NICK LYTLE HAD A TIRED HIGH!!!!!

what has this world come to?

2009-03-03T22:28:00.002-05:00

AMAZINGNESS THATS WHAT

this is the only show ive ever seen that brings our joy and fear simultaneously in me.

hahahahaha

love you!

dont forget, DO THE HARRY!

ashleyy

a saranwrapped epiphany

2009-02-20T22:56:00.000-05:00

hahahahahahhaha

i love my life

lets touch lips for the hell of it

2009-02-18T18:22:00.003-05:00

i want summer super bad

ive been listening to backseat goodbye constantly. It reminds me of summer so much. im getting all these flash backs of past summers and hopes for future summers. im SICK of winter and the cold and even the snow. yeah its good at first because hellooo fun falling from the sky! but now im just over it. seriously. i want to lay in the grass and look at the sky. i want to be TAN. i want to swim in the pool. i want to hang with friends whenever i want. i want no homework. i want to swing. i want to go bikeriding. i want my secret spot. i want to go outside and not freeze. i want a sky that isnt covered in gray. i want the sun.

theres a lot i want but summer is on the TOP of the list.

so valentines day was excellent. this is my first one with a boyfriend. it was more than i expected from lazy procrastinating laid back jon. he actually planned it. he took me to casas then we went iceskating. then after we were frozen we went to see a movie. it was super fun. and he bought me flowers and chocolate. yumm. yeah its a little cliche but i dont care. thats a lot for him. i found a wooden box in my basement that i collaged (thanks jay for the idea) and then i put a bunch of candy and cookies inside and stuff. it was good fun.

so teachers have been BRUTAL lately. ive had crazy amounts of homework every night. and i guess my procrastination doesnt help but still. its annoying. i really should be writing my research paper thats due tomorrow buuut i havnt blogged in a while and wanted to write something down. maybe thisll get the creative juices aflowin. haha i dunno. but yes. im hungry and need to get going on homework. talk to you later lovelies!

ill be your valentine!

i love you!

ashleyy

woah wow holy shoot bam

2009-01-24T12:25:00.003-05:00

aaall weekend i spent going from party to party. why there were so many? who flippin knows. but its was a blast.

on friday i threw a going away party for brittany and jackie. (in the picture on the bottom second from the left and far right. im in the middle of them.) it was a breakfast at tiffany's theme. it was sooo fun. everyone dressed up for it in old timey clothes and we had fake margaritas and cigarette holders. it was all very glamourous and everyone got a chance to write their goodbyes to brittany and jackie in a book and all that jazz. it wasnt all sappy and emotional but i did get a little teared up when jackie and i were talking about how much we would miss each other. theyre leaving today and since we dont have any school, i dont think im going to get to say goodbye. its really really sad. it seems like i always lose my friends this way. but im determined to stay in touch.

on saturday i went to katie's birthday party which was pretty fun. she had a cupcake bar with cupcakes in icecream cones. they were weird and hard to eat but delish. haha kelsey and i ended up getting in an icing fight which was exciting and i had icing in my hair for the rest of the night.

on sunday i went to lauren's birthday party. it was poker themed but noone knew how to play poker. haha. we ended up attempting to play random card games but kept getting distracted. then we watched 21 with mr. delicious from accross the universe. yumm.

it was an extremely hectic and stressful week for me. i had sooo much to do. with all the party planning and projects that these stupid teachers keep loading on me. its rediculous. but i pretty much got everything done and now this week seems pretty stress free so far. thank god. i need a break. thats for sure.

well im going to play in the snow!!

i love you!

ashleyy

damn

2009-01-22T23:43:00.000-05:00

i still havnt called

im so sorry

i love you

even if i dont show it

ashleyy

i hate it

2009-01-20T16:23:00.002-05:00

I hate it how

stress is taking over my life
i never have time for me anymore
i cant seem to find the time to give my best friends a call
even when im doing something for someone else, it goes unappreciated
im doing everything i can but its not good enough
my parents are making me see a shrink
my best friends are moving away
i have 5 homework projects at once
my heart sucker broke
my plans just arent good enough
im always there for them but they cant seem to do the same for me
my parents dont know me at all
im devoting all my time to this when i know itll go to waste
they cant agree with me for just this once
theyll probably completely forget about me

I love it how

after all i havnt done and have forgotten, theyre still my best friends
kelsey is just so damn amazing
jon still likes me
my necklace is fun to play with
v-day is comin up
the sun is out
im throwing the going away bash
even after they leave, kelsey will be by my side

supposed love

2009-01-05T22:46:00.003-05:00

i just dont understand why its so hard

parents are supposed to love you over everyone

thats the most important responsibility they have

yet some just cant do it

i swear to god i will love any future child of mine

ashleyy

whats happenin hot stuff?

2009-01-04T00:41:00.004-05:00

"Computers are ignorance in a box"

~ Maggie Knors

goodness i miss that girl. i havnt seen or talked to her in so long. but i still remember most of the things she said to me. and her bubbly, sparkling, always optimistic personality. she really had an impact on me and she probably doesnt even know it. i wish i knew how to get a hold of her so i could let her know.

but yes my computer is stupid.

i dunno what the deal is but every time i turn it on it gets stuck on a black screen with a white blinking dash. sooo i snuck downstairs onto my sisters computer and im majorly hoping she doesnt come home sometime soon. shell be royally pissed.

well its officially 2009!

to me it honestly doesnt feel any different. its just another day passing by. but im going to try to make my days count. make them different and life impacting. i dont want to fall into a boring endless cycle. i have a feeling thatll happen once school starts back up. tuesday, ugh. itll just be school every day then tennis on monday, lazy tuesday, church wednesday, church band practice thursday, friends friday and saturday or just lazy, then church sunday. the same thing over and over again. i want excitement. i want something new and life changing. something that makes me think. something that challenges me to make a difference or impact someones life.

i doubt thatll happen though, it rarely does.

i really really really miss my friends. i havnt spent time with them in so long. i realized today that i dont have a best friend. i dont even really have a super close friend. it used to be brittany and jackie but i havnt hung out with them or even really talked with them in at least two weeks. i have been spending a lot of time with kelsey and jennifer lately though. kelsey is really easy to talk to and im not afraid of being judged by her. i think our friendship has definite potential.

katie and i hung out today with, gulp, caylin. caylin is well, frankly a bitch and extremely fake. i just cant figure out if she likes me or not. she acts one way one day and another way the next. and she tells certain people she likes me and others she doesnt. i found out some stuff about her that makes her like that but still, everyone has SOME control over the way they act. at least i know shes trying to fix it though.

i miss janna and alex and annick more than anything. i would walk miles just to see them. i really want to visit more than anything. it just isnt fair that i was ripped away from the only friends who have always had my back, who are there for me no matter what happens. i keep forgetting to call them. it really makes me hate myself. i miss them so much and think about them constantly, no lie. but it seems like every time i do im hanging out with someone else or am about to go somewhere or something. im just too busy. by the time i get a break to do something its midnight and too late. im going to write myself like 50320554 notes and put them everywhere for me to call them tomorrow. no matter what im doing, when it pops into my mind, im going to call right then. i promise. i just need to hear the voices of my best friends. they really have no idea how much i care.

well its late and i think i just heard holly get home. gotta skadaddle. i have no idea when ill be able to blog next but ill get on asap.

i love you, i really really do

ashleyy

wowowowowowwowowow

2008-12-24T23:50:00.002-05:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS AS OF 2 MINUTES AGO!!

WELL IM EXCITED

Christmas is here! the day of giving and cheer. i just love it. and this really has been an excellent christmas. i have a boyfriend during chrismas for the first time. and we spent pretty much the whole day christmas eve together. it was fantastic. he got me a necklace. =]

its been a looong time since ive blogged. sorry all. not that anyone reads this or anything... but anywho. ive had a lot going on in my life or nothing at all. i dunno. its been really really good though. i went to semiformal with jon and ive been hanging out with him and my friends a lot. im pretty sure ive been keeping a good balance which is good. my best friend also got a good guy who will finally treat her right which is excellent. im also starting to reconnect with my old best friend from the ninth grade days. its really good. i found out that brittany and jackie are officially moving in may which is bad. that probably the main downer in the past month. its a shame really. its always hard losing a best friend. but thats pretty much my recap for the past monthish whatever. i just havnt been in a blogging mood lately though. i dunno why. i need to get these creative juices aflowin again.

well i gotta get to sleep so santa doesnt skip over my house!

happy christma-hannah-quanzica!

i love you!

really, i do

ashleyy

what happened?

2008-12-02T15:59:00.002-05:00

where did my best friend go?

i tried talking to her today and she pretty much completely blew me off. i tried texting her and i got three "yeah"s and then an "i gotta go bye." that doesnt sound like a conversation two best friends should have to me. we used to talk all the time. we would stop at each others lockers during every class period. we knew all of each others secrets. we would hang out on the weekends.

ive hung out with her once in the past month.

why cant i keep a best friend? what do i do wrong? i try my hardest to be as low maintenance as possible. i think of my friend first. always. every time. i try and make sure shes happy. if shes having a bad day i try to make it better. yeah. im a pushover. i know i am. but i think that i do it subconsiously because i think maybe one day ill get the same in return. a shoulder to cry on. someone to tell all my problems to. someone to make my day. thats all i want. for once something in return. even just for a day. is that selfish? i try to be a best friend so i can have a best friend.

but lately my best friend has been acting strange. shes been distant. she hasnt been herself. is it because shes moving? i dont know. but does she realize the effect shes having on me? i doubt it. or maybe she does. maybe she wants to lose me. maybe she found someone better. oh god. i think i know whats happening here.

im getting the jessica treatment

whats that? you ask.

well at the beginning of this year, jessica was our friend. she is definitly the blondest person ever. shes beyond blonde. completely. shell say something to you and youll just stand there and stare at her wondering how anyone could possibly think thats a logical statement. ill be blunt. shes stupid. and at first its really funny. and shes one of the nicest people ever. but pretty soon it gets annoying. the niceness makes you angry because you just want her to fight with you so you can yell at her for being so dumb. she drives you up the wall. so finally, my friends and i decided that we would simply block her out of our life. when she talked to us we gave her the shortest of answers. we snapped at her sometimes and we completely ignored her others. we talked about her behind her back and sometimes in front of her face. yeah. we were really really mean. i felt bad about the way we treated her. i was probably one of the nicest to her. i still conversed with her sometimes. and sometimes she would call me crying because she didnt understand why people were being so cold to her. i tried to get her to understand in a way that didnt make her feel bad. i tried to help her. but it didnt work. eventually she just fell out of our lives and found a new group of friends. at the beginning of this harsh treatment, she was completely unaware and didnt realize that anything was wrong.

i think im realizing now that something is. i think that im their next jessica. but i dont know why. i dont think im unintelligent. im getting good grades in hard classes. i can easily comprehend a simple conversation. i can crack a joke and make people laugh. i keep secrets. i help with problems. i can be just like them. so why are they alienating me? why am i the chosen outsider?

why am i even friends with people who have a chosen outsider?

i just dont know anymore

will you be my new best friend?

ashleyy

...

2008-11-30T20:41:00.000-05:00

im worried

i love you so much

ashleyy

Do you ever get that mean red feeling?

2008-11-23T21:58:00.002-05:00

the other day i had a classic movie night. the first movie we watched was breakfast at tiffanys. not gonna lie. i felt kind of inspired by Holly Golightly played by Audrey Hepburn.

In the movie, holly golightly seemed to be the most poised and put together woman in the world. she was strong and independant. every guy was after her but she never seemed to let them get a hold of her. she was the epitome of perfection. at least on the outside

inside holly was still trying to figure out who she was. she had philosophies on life that were a little off in some ways but they were hers. she had everything in and out of order at the same time. but if you passed her in the street you would have no idea.

she found ballet slippers in her fridge. she had a couch made out of a bathtub. she had a cat with no name. she went out her window more than out her front door. she sang on her fire escape. she threw crazy parties. she kept her phone in a suitcase. she visited a criminal named Mr. Sally Tomato in singsing. she stole from the fiveanddime on occasion for the thrill. and when she had a "mean red day" she found her escape at tiffany's.

holly was an odd character to say the least but shes just so classy, so elegant. "every girl wants to be her and every boy wants to do her" says the movie trailer. shes the kind of person you could never believe has a problem in the world. she takes life as it comes at her. she fixes everything herself and needs noone (except for paul in the end). i envy her independence. i rely on everyone around me. i wouldnt know what to do with myself if i didnt have someone to take care of me. she left home when she was 14 and somehow managed to be that glamorous girl.

do you want to be like holly golightly?

i think i do

i love you

ashleyy

Holly Golightly: I'm like cat here, a no-name slob. We belong to nobody, and nobody belongs to us. We don't even belong to each other.

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?

Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?

Holly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

Paul: Sure.

Paul: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!

thanks for missing me

2008-11-19T21:28:00.003-05:00

friends mean the world to me. theyre what sustains me. they keep me going.

nothing crushes me more than a friend who doesnt seem to care

my best friends are moving. its going to be hell for me. i know that already. so i feel like i need to try and spend at least some time with them. but no. they dont even want to fucking try. they seem more and more distant every day. i try to make plans, they come up with some stupid excuse. i try to text them, they give me the shortest answers possible then just all together stop talking. its rediculous and makes me feel like shit.

they dont even try to act like theyre going to miss me. not at all. theyve moved seven times already so they seem cold about it. they seem to not even care that their leaving behind all of their friends. they dont even think of how hard it is for us

i tried to make plans for the dance with them. but they "dont feel like going". and then they say that they really do have reasons for turning down all my plans and that they dont just make up excuses. does "i dont feel like it" sound like a good reason to you? no. it doesnt.

dont they realize that i pray and wish every night that they wouldnt have to move?

i tried talking about it. i tried asking why theyve been so distant with me lately. i tried making plans. i tried to figure out why they keep turning them down. i just dont know. im sick of trying. every time i try they turn it into some big fight. im just sick of it.

will you try for me?

i love you

ashleyy

im making a list, hell ill check it twice, of all the things youve done in my life

2008-11-17T21:56:00.003-05:00

today before school there was a car crash.

a girl named audie gregory was killed in the accident. she was 16 or 17. her brothers and sisters, whitney, evan, brittany, and justin were sent to the hospital. they were all 14 and 15.

audie was pregnant and her baby wasnt developed enough to be saved.

they announced it on the intercom and the whole school seemed quieter today. i didnt know audie but i kinda know whitney. i didnt really mourn or freak out about it because i wasnt close to any of the people, but a lot of other people did. half the school was gone. they let everyone who needed to talk go to the guidance office and some went home or to their church to talk to their youth pastors. it was amazing to see all the people effected by just five people.

it made me wonder how many people i have left a mark on in my life. have i made a good impression? a bad one? have i improved people? made a shame of myself? been a good example? a bad one? have i impacted someones life enough to change it completely around?

i dont think ill ever know. i dont think anyone knows, how many people youve impacted. you could have changed someones life just by passing them in the street. they could have looked at you and had an idea spark in their head. you could have made someone realize that there is hope for tomorrow. you could have made someone feel loved. let someone know they have a friend. made someone realize that they arent alone and that youre on their side. how many people?

after i die and hopefully go to heaven, will i look back on my life and be proud of what i have done? if i die tomorrow, i dont think i would be. i havnt done much. ive pretty much just floated along and done what i was told and not gone off the path. maybe i should try to work towards something. find some way to change the world. change a life. i want to be remembered for doing something extraordinary.

what will you be remembered for?

will you remember me?

i love you

ashleyy

keep the gregory's and those whos lives were impacted by them in your prayers

destroy the worries, play in the leaves

2008-11-09T21:07:00.005-05:00

my life seems jumbled.

all my problems have fallen away to reveal a new set of problems and insecurities. i just wish i could rake them up into a pile like leaves on a fall day.

my gingerboy is great. he really really is. ive never felt this way about anyone before and he just makes me feel so special. but im afraid of what will happen to us. relationships dont last forever. especially in highschool. young love is fleeting. im afraid ill slip up. i dont know much about being a good girlfriend. i dont know a lot of things. i feel so naieve. it sucks. it gets me questioning everything i do. everything i say. i dont like it. but i do like him and i like the way he looks at me. so im just going to try and get the hang of things.

brittany and jackie seem to be distancing themselves from me. their moving date moved up to winter break now instead of summer break. theyve moved so many times before, maybe they found out that its easier to take the distance ahead of time. i dont know. but i dont like it. theyre my best friends and i dont want to lose them. but it seems like every time i try to make plans or even have a conversation with them, theyre too busy. i cant deal with losing another best friend. i just cant. i dont have anyone else to turn to.

one of my friends has me worried. she isnt herself. all i want is for her to happy. all i want is to be there for her. i love her so much. shes my best friend and always has been. i just wish there was some way i could help.

hopefully everything will fall into place. ill be able to pile them up and sort through. then dive right in and enjoy life. just work through the worries and live.

buy me a rake?

i love you

ashleyy

color my senses cherry red

2008-11-03T16:03:00.001-05:00

ashley has a boyfran. =]

this doesnt happen often.

this is good.

hes a keeper.

i love you

ashleyy

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

2008-11-02T01:05:00.003-04:00

well i guess happy late halloween.

i had an amazing time. i went trick or treating with kelsey and jennifer. i decided that im going to go every year until i get weird looks. i got the idea from kelsey. so if im accepted at peoples doorsteps until im 30 then, hey, bring on the candy! i always have fun and it gives me a chance to feel like a kid again. i love it.

i went to a halloween party tonight at jessicas house. she annoys the crap outta me which is mean but true. shes clingy to the extreme but shes super nice. tons of my friends were there and jessica has a twin brother so we had some football guys too. sadly none of the attractive ones came. its a shame. but oh well i have my ginger.

jessica invited a lot of the show choir kids along with me, brittany, jackie, stephany, jordan, and a bunch of other people. lets just say we dont mix well. they all stayed upstairs and in the kitchen playing apples to apples so poor jessica was torn between trying to make sure they had a good time and hanging our with us. oh well. i hope she ended up having fun at her own party. i know i had fun.

we got kinda tired of being inside so we went out and jumped on the trampoline and then got everyone to join in a game of soda pong. its just like beer pong except with soda. and we didnt have a ping pong ball so we used goldfish. haha. it was fun yet disgusting because we mixed all the grossest kinds of coke together. deeelish. rootbeer makes me gag.

i had an altogether fun halloween. everyone like my twister costume (theres a picture at the top). i did get lots of "left hand blue" comments from the football players though.

how was your halloween?

if it sucked just play some twister

i love you!

ashleyy

those damn believers in a better tomorrow

2008-10-29T22:22:00.003-04:00

so when i recieved my latest issue of AP magazine along with the bill my mom decided that before she was going to pay one cent she had to read my magazine to see if its "acceptable for little girls to read". hah. joy. so today i reminded her that she still hasnt read it and paid the bill so i run and fetch it for her without thinking there would be a problem. so i come back a while later to find her and my dad looking at it weirdly and discussing in sharp tones about society going down the toilet. oh dear god.

i really dont understand what their deal is. yeah there are a few scetchy things and hardcore scary stuff that could make parents a little worried but its no big deal because thats not the stuff i like. i like to find new favorite bands to add to my long list and figure out the next chance i can get to see them live. but my parents seem to see it as corruption.

while music does have a large influence on a person it doesnt exactly change who they are. if i listen to thrash metal i wont turn into some emo kid. if i listen to rap i wont turn african american. if i listen to country i wont turn into a cowgirl. you catch my drift. it might change how creative i am or how deep i look into things. but those are good things. when i listen to some of my music i feel inspired and ready to change the world. i dont understand how that is a bad thing.

how do they have any room to talk? what about all the music that they listened to as teenagers? its not exactly clean cut. some of my dads stuff is just plain scary. i dont even know about my mom. when she opened my magazine she just said "these dont look very christian." just let me ask you. WHO CARES? just because i listen to non christian bands doesnt mean im going to convert to some satanic religion. when i pointed this out my dad just went into a rant (he likes those and does it frequently) about how i "shouldnt be listening to all this alternative shit and getting these bad ideas in my head from it". REDICULOUS TO SAY THE LEAST.

yeah when my sister started listening to rap they didnt blink an eye. she got into the hardcore screamo stuff. brushed it off. a heavier more degrading rap? eh its just a phase. but when i listen to stuff that talks about how we should work to change the world and find love and not give in to society they flip out. why is this? oh i know.

theyve never really liked me.

do other people have parents as thickheaded as mine? i doubt it. share stories? do tell. do tell.

will you like me even though they dont?

i hope so.

i love you

ashleyy

well make this short and sweet

2008-10-27T23:06:00.002-04:00

its late

i havnt posted in a while. sorry.

i really havnt been able to think of anything to say lately. i dunno why.

my minds kinda fully jumbled.

hey! fits my blog title!

i think its because i might be maybe possibly...

falling for someone really hard?

ugh here we go

do you love me?

i love you

ashleyy

ahh the life of a woman

2008-10-21T21:36:00.003-04:00

we are expected to be perfect. we are ambitious. we have the strength of ten men. we manage to keep ourselves in one piece. we have hectic lives. we have broken hearts. we are heart breakers. we have damaged friendships. we have the highest standards. we have drama. we stay stylish. we work two jobs. we have kids. we fall in love. we are desperate housewives. we have school all day. we learn to balance it all. we are artists. we are dancers. we are thinkers. we are masterminds. we fight for our voice. we stand up for ourselves. we are feminists. we get our hands dirty. we still manage to keep perfect manicures. we are fashion designers. we stress. we get gray hairs. we go through that terrible week once a month. we are role models. we are actresses. we are scientists. we help the homeless. we wipe runny noses. we cure the pain. we solve problems. we do all this. and we still manage to look drop dead gorgeous.

how do we do it? well noone really knows. maybe we dont do it all. we arent all confident and unbreakable. we may be breaking to pieces inside. but we arent going to show the world. we have to stay perfect. we cant let those boys see how weak we really are now can we? so keep that ambition. keep those standards high. dont let yourself fall. do something for yourself. take a bath. go to a spa. read a book. whatever. just keep yourself together. do it for the female standard.

geesh. this is that monthly week.

i start thinking weirdly.

i dont think im even making sense. not sure.

blahh.

will you still love me when im getting annoyed at you for something stupid?

i hope so.

i love you deep down.

at least after this week

ashleyy

a twisted little red

2008-10-20T21:37:00.003-04:00

so i was looking for a poem for a homework assignment and i just thought this was funny.

its called Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf by Roald Dahl.

As soon as Wolf began to feelThat he would like a decent meal,He went and knocked on Grandma's door.When Grandma opened it, she sawThe sharp white teeth, the horrid grin,And Wolfie said, ``May I come in?''Poor Grandmamma was terrified,``He's going to eat me up!'' she cried.
And she was absolutely right.He ate her up in one big bite.But Grandmamma was small and tough,And Wolfie wailed, ``That's not enough!I haven't yet begun to feelThat I have had a decent meal!''He ran around the kitchen yelping,``I've got to have a second helping!''Then added with a frightful leer,``I'm therefore going to wait right hereTill Little Miss Red Riding HoodComes home from walking in the wood.''He quickly put on Grandma's clothes,(Of course he hadn't eaten those).He dressed himself in coat and hat.He put on shoes, and after thatHe even brushed and curled his hair,Then sat himself in Grandma's chair.In came the little girl in red.She stopped. She stared. And then she said,
``What great big ears you have, Grandma.''``All the better to hear you with,'' the Wolf replied.``What great big eyes you have, Grandma.''said Little Red Riding Hood.``All the better to see you with,'' the Wolf replied.
He sat there watching her and smiled.He thought, I'm going to eat this child.Compared with her old GrandmammaShe's going to taste like caviar.
Then Little Red Riding Hood said, ``But Grandma,what a lovely great big furry coat you have on.''
``That's wrong!'' cried Wolf. ``Have you forgotTo tell me what BIG TEETH I've got?Ah well, no matter what you say,I'm going to eat you anyway.''The small girl smiles. One eyelid flickers.She whips a pistol from her knickers.She aims it at the creature's headAnd bang bang bang, she shoots him dead.A few weeks later, in the wood,I came across Miss Riding Hood.But what a change! No cloak of red,No silly hood upon her head.She said, ``Hello, and do please noteMy lovely furry wolfskin coat.''

yeah even though its bad that she has a wolfskin coat and all that jazz i just happen to find it funny. it makes you think that itll be just the same as the old childhood story and then BAM! or should i say BANG BANG BANG?

ill eat you up

ashleyy

my parents are hilarious, really

2008-10-20T20:21:00.002-04:00

so i went through the day today not feeling too well. when i got home i was more than ready for a nice long nap to recharge before i did my homework. i went to sleep around 6 and was planning on taking an hour nap.

as you know, these days it gets harder and harder to tell days from night. well my parents thought it would be funny to walk around the house and change all the clocks to say 8 am instead of 8 pm. so i woke up and started freaking out because i was late for school and i hadnt done any of my homework or anything. and i wandered around the house because noone was home. and then i left a few colorful messages on both of my parents answering machines because noone picks up of course.

it took about 30 minutes for me to realize that it was actually still monday. im still a little confused even though i straightened everything out. i dont really know what to do with myself and i cant think sraight. oh parents can be a laugh. let me tell you.

quick! yo late for school!

haha try living it

i love you!

ashleyy

evidently ive been tagged =]

2008-10-18T13:34:00.002-04:00

wishes

1. to fall in love

2. to go to tennessee whenever i want

3. for my best friends to not move

4. to be someone great

destinations

1. tennessee

2. thames street with janna

3. paris

4. rome

careers (i honestly have no idea buut these have crossed my mind.)

1. photographer

2. writer

3. fashion designer

4. physcologist

at the gates of heaven i wanna hear

1. ive been waiting for you

2. have a nice life?

3. come on in

4. come see the people you love, theyre all here

victims

1. kelseymcgingercrotch

2. alehandra

3. annick

4. skippy

go play some tag!

i love you!

ashleyy

green giants and a colorful tomorrow

2008-10-14T21:21:00.006-04:00

every child sees the world in colorful brilliance. theres almost no end to the possiblities of the awaiting future. nothing to them is quite limited yet. theres no telling who theyll end up being. though after growing up a bit. you start to notice limits. things seem harder to achieve. the world dulls as more things become out of reach. dreams are crushed and the future gets harder and harder to imagine with an end of success. worries are introduced and panic rushes in. the world is suddenly in black and white.

will you do something to change this? will you be what you dreamed of being as a little toddler? live up to what youve always wanted. dont let those invisible lines of limitation stop you. they arent really there, after all, theyre invisible. that means you can easily cross through. try and see the world in color. dream like youve never dreamed before. think new things. be the envy of all. be the person you know everyone wants to be themselves. but dont conform to what other people want. keep yourself in mind first. its your future. do with it what you wish. dont just do whatever your parents do. do something new that YOU want to do.

go ahead. be that fashionista youve always wanted to be. be the photographer. or the subject of the photography. be a lawyer. be a scientist. find the cure for cancer. build a time machine. end global warming. open a bakery. build a house. help some orphans. get a hobo a box. whatever you do. just do it. no im not talkin nike. though yes it is very inspirational. im talking life. make a difference in this world. yeah you may be young now but not for long. life flies by so make something of it. and right now, just enjoy the way things are but work towards your goal and do something.

i want people to envy me.

i want people to envy you too.

admit it.

you want that too.

love me. hate me. whateva.

ashleyy

and the world is dark blue

2008-10-09T22:37:00.002-04:00

So i feel really weird today for some reason. as in antsy or something. i think it might be excitemtent or something. im pretty sure the guy i like likes me back. for the first time is about 90% clear. which i definitly like. usually hes all vague and i have no idea what hes thinking. lately though, hes been looking at me differently. i really really hope something comes out of it. then this antsyness can turn into happiness. im really ready for some love in my life. there hasnt been any yet and im ready to hop on the train. i just hope its less stressful and confusing as many people say it is. hah. like i would ever be lucky enough for that to happen.

klamsldkmfal;skdmf =]]]]]]]]]]]] =//?

thats pretty much what my thoughts are right now. a whole big jumbled mess of emotions and hopes and dreams and who knows what the hell else.

will you love me if he doesnt?

i know ill love you

ashleyy

welp

2008-10-08T22:43:00.002-04:00

i should have known

why did i have to get my fucking hopes up?

ugh im quite hormonal today

will you love me?

ashleyy

watch the clouds

2008-10-07T20:26:00.002-04:00

youve all heard those cliche phrases "stop and smell the roses" and all that jazz right? well after seeing those inpirational posters and hearing those poems since first grade do you ever stop to think if theyre true? because well, they are.

there is no denying that life comes at you fast. theres hardly time for food and sleep let alone sitting down and just doing something you actually want to do. but while all those things you do may be very important, it might be more important to just take it slow. maybe just lay in the grass and stare at those clouds. we all did it when we were little, why not now? just because were older and have busy lives doesnt mean that those tiny moments of calm and solitude arent important anymore.

you arent going to live forever, so live out the moments you have well. take a hold of every moment and never let it go. take a chance and do something new. maybe let yourself love someone. you never know, they could love you too. ask. live every moment as if its your last. know that there are consequences but think of the good ones too. there are ups and downs to every moment so stop and think of which outweighs the other. find a lover and lay in the grass. take a look at the clouds.

tell me, what do you see?

lay in the grass with me?

we can stay there forever

ashleyy

creative like a five year old

2008-10-06T22:27:00.004-04:00

we all have our own ways of letting our creativity shine. it could be writing, painting, drawing, singing, or even just editing your myspace page. no matter what way you do it, it always screams you. nobody can think up the same things you do. even if theres just a miniscule difference, it could mean the world.

over the past year ive discovered that i actually am very creative. i used to try and find out why everyone else was out there making a difference and i was just sitting there, not good at anything. and then i met some friends who helped to bring out the best in me. probably the ones who brought out the most are katie and jackie.

katie doesnt stop at anything. she tries anything new (for instance her fabulously drastic new haircut). im not gonna lie, ive always envied her for her talent and seemingly endless mind. i think its actually given me something to go for. not even kidding you, when im in art class and im trying to think up a new idea, in the back of my mind i kind of think ,"hmm what would katie do?". it sucks because we arent really that good of friends this year, but shes always been an inspiration. shes the one who actually got me started on this blog. so id just like to say thanks katie, because i dont think i ever have.

and jackie. oooh jackie. i will miss her so much. i havnt really seen anything shes actually done, but her ideas are amazing. she can think up anything. when i think of jackie i think of someone who could get anywhere she wanted to if she tried hard enough. i just hope that she puts all those ideas into action one day and then finds me in this corny hell hole and shows them to me.

i think that everyones creative side comes from some sort of inspiration. and one inspiration leads to another and one idea leads to many. your one idea could shape an entire future. you never know. its all a butterfly affect. so stay creative. let the child in you that thought up all those crazy but simple ideas come out.

life isnt about finding yourself, its about creating yourself

draw me a pitcha

ill love you forever

ashleyy

wild thang, you make my heart sang

2008-10-05T12:15:00.006-04:00

so today i got my AP magazine

always a happy day.

and there on the front cover was Forever the Sickest Kids =]]

they also happen to grace my wall. i lovee them.

and then i opened it and flipped through and found some amazing new bands

i just love finding new things to add to my neverending itunes library. it gives me a thrill what can i say? I found TV/TV which reminds me of Cobra Starship and we all know how much i love THEM. They recorded their new EP with Zack Odom and Kenneth Mount from All Time Low and Cartel. i also found Action Item, Crosstown Rivalry, and plenty of other bands to look up and add to my ipod. pretty soon im gonna run out of room. never good. but im sure ill figure something out.

im in a really good mood today. i have nothing to do at all but be lazy and go with the flow. maybe ill do something with katie. we havnt hung out in a while. hmm.

well i might blog about something more interesting later tonight. i was just struck with a sudden blog mood. check out the new tunes loves. =]

i love youhh

do you love me too?

ashleyy

interview with a lemming

2008-10-03T16:46:00.003-04:00

So as i was taking my english 10 formative assessment today i was stunned to actually read something i liked. one of my favorite poems was in there (i might put it in a later post) and a story about a scientist and a lemming. the lemming spoke to the scientist and told him what harm humans do. in the end the scientist asks the lemming a question and the lemming turns it around into something to think about. take a look. i loved it.

Interview with a Lemming
by James Thurber
The weary scientist, tramping through the mountains of northern Europe in the winter weather dropped his knapsack and prepared to sit on a rock.
"Careful, brother," said a voice.
"Sorry," murmured the scientist, noting with some surprise that a lemming which he had been about to sit on had addressed him. "It is a source of considerable astonishment to me," said the scientist, sitting down beside the lemming, "that you are capable of speech."
"You human beings are always astonished," said the lemming, "when any other animal can do anything you can. Yet there are many things animals can do that you cannot, such as stridulate, or chirr, to name just one. To stridulate, or chirr, one of the minor achievements of the cricket, your species is dependent on the intestines of sheep and the hair of the horse."
"We are a dependent animal," admitted the scientist.
"You are an amazing animal," said the lemming.
"We have always considered you rather amazing, too," said the scientist. "You are perhaps the most mysterious of creatures."
"If we are going to indulge in adjectives beginning with 'm,' said the lemming sharply, "let me apply a few to your species--murderous, maladjusted, maleficent and muffle-headed."
"You find our behavior as difficult to understand as we do yours?"
"You, as you would say, said it," said the lemming. "You kill, you mangle, you torture, you imprison, you starve each other. You cover the nurturing earth with cement, you cut down elm trees to put up institutions for people driven insane by the cutting down of elm trees, you--"
"You could go on all night like that," said the scientist, "listing our sins and shames."
"I could go on all night and up to four o'clock tomorrow afternoon," said the lemming. "It just happens that I have made a lifelong study of the self-styled higher animal. Except for one thing, I know all there is to know about you, and a singularly dreary, dolorous and distasteful store of information it is, too, to use only adjectives that begin with 'd.'"
"You say you have made a lifelong study of my species--" began the scientist.
"Indeed I have," broke in the lemming. "I know that you are cruel, cunning and carnivorous, sly, sensual and selfish, greedy, gullible and guileful--"
"Pray don't wear yourself out," said the scientist, quietly. "It may interest you to know that I have made a lifelong study of lemmings, just as you have made a lifelong study of people. Like you I have found but one thing about my subject which I don't understand."
"And what is that?" asked the lemming.
"I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down to the sea and drown yourselves."
"How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why you human beings don't."

it makes you think doesnt it? we do all these terrible things in life. we really do. human beings are convinced that we are all powerful and can do anything to anyone and be fine with it. why do we cut down other animals homes just to make room for a nonnecessity? the earth is just as much their home as it is ours. i hate it how some people just cant seem to realize that we are taking down the earth. destroying it piece by piece. one of these days it wont be there anymore. and yes i am talking in part about global warming and all of that stuff. i dont understand why people seem to deny global warming so much. its there. its proven. it cant be stopped but it can be slowed. we can save the earth that God gave us. we really really can.

go drown yourself in the sea

but remember, i love you

ashleyy

would someone like to tell me

2008-10-02T20:26:00.002-04:00

why parents enjoy ruining our lives so much?

i really really would like to know.

i have two of the most amazing best friends who just so happen to be army brats.

they've lived everywhere imaginable and move constantly.

during freshman year of highschool their father told them that they wouldnt have to move until after they graduated from highschool.

yay! finally a place to settle down a bit!

yeah. fucking. right.

why are we constantly forced to move? especially after promises to stay are made? we settle down and meet amazing friends and think we wont have to leave them like all of the others. we can finally get close to them and have someone to talk to. but then its all ripped away. promises are broken, friends are lost, arguements are fought, and families are torn apart. it really really isnt fair.

yeah i know that sometimes there isnt any choice. its our parents job and it has control over them. its leave and go on with life or stay and starve. yes its hard to find a new job and all that and its hard to quit and hard to turn down an excellent opportunity for a promotion. but have our parents ever thought of how hard it is on US? yeah sometimes new starts are welcome and good. but not one every two years. its important for us to settle down a bit and give us a chance to discover who we are. we need to slow down and not have to keep starting our lives over and over again.

its not only hard on the people moving, but its hard on all of their friends. i have finally found good friends. ive been skipping around a lot this year to different groups and this is the one i want to be in. this is the group of friends that im being 100% ME. that doesnt happen often at all. we go along with whatever is accepted. when im with my two best friends i dont hide anything. they bring out the best in who i am and help me shine through. not to mention i can have the most fun ever with them. thats how a friendship should be. completely honest.

i cant even begin to think of how life will be after theyre gone. i have a feeling ill be kind of a wanderer after they leave. i cant think of anyone who ive really connected with. all my friends from last year are pretty distant. i have some good ones of course but none that i can be myself with. i guess ill just have to wait and see. wow i really really feel bad for a certain boyfriend of one of the future movers. he was crushed.

i can only hope that the plans fall through. so far its a maybe. but its pretty much a yes since they already have a date and everything. i just really cant believe their dad is breaking his promise to them again. their family is hard enough to live with. i wonder how long itll take for them to live like this.

please oh please pray that they stay

ashleyy

nonononononoNO

2008-10-01T19:42:00.002-04:00

not this
not now
not when everything is going just the way it should
i am NOT losing another best friend
let alone my two only ones living near me at the same time
NO my life is finally perfect
i dont want it to change
i swear im going to punch their father as hard as i can repeatedly in the throat
NO

ugh i hope you love me because i need it right now

ashleyy

yeah were both little people and we like it that way

2008-10-01T19:37:00.001-04:00

im falling hard and fast

i have been for a long time now

could he finally be ready to catch me?

i can only hope

i love you, do you love me too?

ashleyy

tonight i am the drug you can't deny

2008-09-29T19:33:00.004-04:00

so i randomly feel like posting about music today.

honestly i dont know much about it at all. if something sounds good to me, im all for it. i love independant bands, ones that dont sell themselves out to record companies and all that. to me they represent going out on your own, knowing what you want, and getting it. christofer drew ingle from nevershoutnever is an excellent example of this. hes only been in the biz for a year and hes already had six major label offers. he turned them all down. i think thats the way to play your music and keep it real.

now i have absolutely nothing against the signed artists. i love love love tons of em. like cobra starship. theyve become my new obsession. right now im diggin the church of hot addiction. amazing song. last week it was snakes on a plane (bring it). i love their upbeat style and humor thats in all their songs. haha they get sued for some of them. like making fun of hollaback girl with hollaback boy. "this shit is supercalafragalisicexpialidocious..." bahaha love that song. and they recently came out with i kissed a boy which is obviously making fun of katy perry. lets just hope shes more humorous about it than gwen stephani was. mm gotta love them cobras.

all time low is definitly another playlist must-have (haha this is for you janna). their souls just come out of their music and have a feel good feel to them. i dunno if that makes sense hah. oh well. but yeah. if you wanna know anything about atl just hit janna up. their lyrics are her bible. which is understandable since they are excellent of course. theyre amazing live. (and on the phone as jay jay knows). =]].

some people may not dig these alternative punk indie whatevertheyare bands. ahah im not good with genres sorry. a lot of people go for rap. i myself dont think its music. all it is is a beat which is a crucial part of music and all but it doesnt have a melody. and the singing is more talking in a fast pace to me. i dunno. thats just my opinion. if anyone is open for arguement then thats fine with me. sometimes disputes can be fun.

so yes lovelies thats my input on music. ill update that playlist eventually. im just lazy. haha. gimme your opinions. i like to hear them.

G-A-B-E IS COMIN FOR YOU
ashleyy

oh and hit this up

go ask elvis

2008-09-25T21:14:00.002-04:00

something good is going to happen soon.

i have no idea what but i can feel it

this weekend is going to be amazing. i know that for sure.

could things be looking up even higher?

lifes been greatly improving lately ive noticed.

its a nice change of pace.

i miss tennessee really really bad though.

i hope youre as lucky as i am to have such amazing friends

i love you
ashleyy

ugh parents are annoying

2008-09-23T22:29:00.003-04:00

so im grounded which is why ive been slacking in the blogging department lately

it really is quite annoying

i made my dad mad by doing my nails on the carpet and he slapped me in the head

so i yelled at him for it and told him never to touch me again.

that didnt make him too happy.

but i think i deserve just as much respect as any other person. yes i am his daughter and he does have authority over me but thats no excuse whatsoever to hit me. and i told him that which resulted in him taking away my phone and my computer. sad sad story. what i really hate is how he never tells me when i get it back. i ask him and he just says "when you adjust your attitude and stop being a bitch." but i just cant help it. i really cant. he just completely and totally infuriates me. hes never ever been nice to me. ever. so when he walks in the room i have to get mean or else ill break down from the criticism and looks he gives me. its the only way for me to stand strong. if i dont, ill be stomped all over. sadly this results in taken away priveledges. ugh.

you might be wondering how im on the computer now when im supposed to be grounded. well i had to print something off for school and my mom forgot that i was on here. haha lucky me!

so ill just blog for a while and see if i get into trouble.

i really want my phone back. really. it does nothing at all to disconnect me from my friends. it just makes me angrier. my friends are the only thing that keeps me sane. without them i could possibly die. either that or go phsyco. no lie. if my family was all i had i would run away. friends are the only thing keeping me here. that and fear of whats out there. im a big chicken.

i think i need to find another way to deal with my dad. maybe i should just not say anything and sit on my hands or something. oh and did i mention that i always get the incredibly strong urge to punch him in the throat? dont worry i never have. i would get my ass beaten. but anywho, i really dont want anymore stuff taken away. that would suck big time.

alas madre has discovered me.

ill get on as often as possible

eye lurve youhhh

ashleyy

ITS HOMECOMING TIME!

2008-09-19T22:54:00.002-04:00

ahh that fabulous week is over.

many schools these days have homecoming around this time. funnnn stuff.

i just love the random dress up days. it gives you a chance to try something new and out there. decades day was amazing. i wore an 80s style. my moms old white surprisingly retro shoes, grey tights, a bright purple bubble skirt with black stars, a purple and lime green tyedye shirt cut crookedly at the collar, a bandana across my forehead with my hair straight up in the air, and about 20 different brihtly colored accesories. it was crazy and exciting to see the different styles. they were all pretty much the same but some people went WAY out there. exciting exciting.

tonight was the homecoming game. we lost against east noble for the eighth year in a row. you would think they would stop playing them on homecoming night but nooo. its pretty rediculous. we lost 0-26 or something. its not a big deal to me though. i pretty much just go to socialize. brittany, jackie, and i were trying to figure out why guys freak so much about it. we were walking out with jackies boyfriend trevor and he was punching lockers and doors and the other guys were throwing down their bags and stuff. i just dont understand why they get so worked up about it. its just a sport. after highschool noone is going to care. after the next week noone will even remember it. we dont hate the team just because they failed one time. they can always come back and make a good win. so guys dont freak if you make one loss. its a definite turn off.

jordan said something amazing today: "seeing those guys in their tight pants and football helmets...it kinda turns me on"

bahahaha she is NOT the type of person to say something like that... well maybe she is. she always seems to surprise me.

love me as much as you love those guys in spandex and helmets?

i hope so

ashleyy

its the end of the world as we know it

2008-09-16T18:11:00.003-04:00

so im sure many of you have heard about the whole crazy british scientist guy recreating the big bang theory. and when you think about it, it will ultimately lead to doom. so whats the point? if it works we get our universe replaced by another one and if it doesnt we get sucked into a black hole. yippie for scientific discovery!

so due to our possibly impending death in about a month (not to be a downer) ive been thinking about life and death and stuff. the other day i was watching Troy and Achilles said that the gods are jealous of men because we are mortal. mortals see everything differently and more gloriously. we live life on the edge because our life could end at any moment. we see everything more brightly and brilliantly. everything has an edge to it. we want to take in as much of it as we can so we wont miss a beat. life is a precious thing that shouldnt be taken for granted. it seems like sometimes we forget that we are mortal. we dont stop to take in everything and just live. we rush through our lives and try to get everything done at a superfast pace so we can come out on top. maybe the important thing is to just take it slow. then, in the end, you will come out ahead of the world.

ive also started to think about what i might like to tell some people before death comes. some things i think i owe them. i might just want to let people know how much i love and care for them. i dont really keep secrets from friends or have anything mean or super important to tell them. i just want them to know that i care. my friends and family mean the world to me. i definitly dont treat my family the way i should. i know i dont. but its really really hard with one like mine. and i know a lot of people have it way worse but its still hard. people look at me and think i have it all good. but there are things that people dont know. you shouldnt assume that everythings ok just because you dont say or complain about it. because of these things im not very nice in return to my family. i do still love them though and they probably need to hear that more often. i was also thinking about telling that certain guy my feelings for him. i doubt i will because ill chicken out though. but i did think about it. what could happen if i did. though some of the thoughts involved denial which always sucks. because i honestly have no idea what he thinks about me. he gives mixed signs. my heard isnt in your pants so stop playing with it. haha i saw that on an icon. but anywho. yeah i dunno.

im not sure if i should believe all this end of the world mumbo jumbo hooha. but what if it really is true? would i act out on these things? im not sure. i always say im going to do stuff and then never do it. thats one of the bad things about me. i chicken out too easily. i guess ill just have to see what comes up in a month!

i love you until the end of the world and beyond

ashleyy

BAHAHAHAH

2008-09-15T20:00:00.003-04:00

THIS MADE ME LAUGH FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES

it shows the true hate for guys that we often feel. sorry guys. but maybe if you step it up a bit we wont have to resort to this.

love me?

if you dont this might happen to you >=[

haha jus joshin ya

ashleyy

BREE BREE

2008-09-14T21:50:00.003-04:00

SO BROKENCYDE IS OFFICIALLY AMAZING

i can honestly say that i had one of the best nights of my life.

i went to Miss Q's today with kelsey, jennifer, and paulina. i got to witness the amazing performance of jordan of the ready set. hes even more attractive in person. mmm. i am convinced that this man is my soulmate. hes sooo sweet and really funny. he made jokes during the technical difficulties. haha.

HE SIGNED MY SHOE. it made me happpyyyy.

I HAD MY FIRST REAL MOSHING EXPERIENCE.

it was sooo cool. just the feeling of the music pushing everyone to the front. crowd surfers flying everywhere. the whole crowd moving as one with their hands in the air. you can really feel the music flow through you. (especially when the speakers are busting in your eardrums). brokencyde was sooo great. i never really liked them but when i saw them live i fell in love. just their connection to the crowd. you can really tell theyre dedicated and having fun. its not just their job its their love, their life, their past, their future. usually that kind of music is too intense for me. but this was just undeniably amazing. 7 even stage dived. he landed right in front of me and i helped him up. =]]]. kelsey got to hold his hand for at least a minute while he was on stage. "our fingers were criss-crossy!!"

bahaha.

so overall

this was one of the best nights of my life. it possibly and probably even topped warped tour. no lie. i just can not wait for my next miss qs experience. no dissappointment whatsoever.

love you all!

ashleyy

disconnected

2008-09-13T23:18:00.002-04:00

i feel strangely disconnected from the world today. ive tried texting people but i get no replies. i messaged and commented people on myspace. nothing. i tried calling and arranging a movie. nothing. whats the deal? is it avoid ashley day? it feels kind of eerie. i dunno. i never really really stopped to think how much i rely on my friends to keep me sane. when all the sudden theres noone there i just feel helpless. that gives me all the more motivation to keep the friends i have and try and make even more. expand my web of sanity givers. or maybe i should try and make myself more independent. find some other escape. that way if something really bad happens and noone else is there for me, i wont come crashing down. i think the key to it is a balance. have friends close and there for support but have yourself ready and strong if something falls through.

its been a lonely, lazy, day today. instead of doing my homework and cleaning my room like i was supposed to be doing, i watched that 70s show, read gossip girl, and took some time to think. i started to think about the guy ive been stuck on for quite a while. i really dont understand why i even like him. the bad kinda outweighs the good i think. and then theres the fact that he isnt showing any signs of anything at all. he used to like me i think. but then i made a mistake of telling one of my friends who told him and kinda freaked him out a bit. he stopped talking to me for a while after that. i just dont understand why every guy i like seems to try and run as fast as they can from me. im pretty subtle when i like someone. i dont want to scare them away. but maybe i should try changing that. stop fearing scaring them away and start concentrating on taking a chance. but thats just not me. im in no way confident enough for that. ill break down and do something stupid like i always do.

god it sucks lacking confidence.

any advice?

ashleyy

sorry

2008-09-12T19:18:00.003-04:00

hey all. sorry ive fallen behind on the blogging so much lately. its been pretty crazy/lazy.

i dunno what it is. i think im in a slump. and im pretty sure its a lovesick slump which is the worst kind to be in. i feel like watching the notebook. blahh.

i just dont know anymore. but whatever it is it just isnt getting me in the mood lately. and sadly im not in the mood today either. possibly tommorrow. possibly.

ashleyy

young love is fleeting

2008-09-04T22:43:00.004-04:00

today was...

well i dont really know what today was

it wasnt good but it wasnt bad either

i dunno i was in an odd mood today for some reason. i think it might be loneliness. ive been feeling that a lot lately.

it seems the only thing that has ever made that feeling go away is being in tennessee. ahh how i miss it. i want to go back so bad. i miss janna and alex and annick and marie and everyone sooo much. it feels like thats where i belong. its where i always have and where i always will. there doesnt seem to be a place for me here in this crop circle of a state. i guess i just have to try and do my best because theres no changing my parents minds. theres no way they would let me live in tennessee without them. i can only dream.

i really really wish there was a guy who liked me. but these things never seem to go my way. every guy ive liked has suddenly realized it and alienated themselves from me. whats the deal? am i really that terrible? why doesnt anyone want to be with me?

everyone needs to feel loved and needed. its a necesity in life. without love we would be nothing. we wouldnt take risks or have sacrifices. what would be the point? without love there would be no us. it would be lonely and sad. even if you dont have love currently you know deep in your heart that theres a chance. you know it exists. so i guess you can love love but definitly hate it too. ill just have to wait. and see if the right guy comes along. one that i know wants to be with me.

if only for a moment.

will you love me?

ashleyy

all drab to totally fab

2008-09-01T19:45:00.004-04:00

so tennessee was fantastic to say the least

i got to see pretty much everyone i wanted to see, and i had the best time ever with my best friends ever.

aaand i got to see annick! whom i have sadly lost touch with over the years. i kind of forgot how much i loved her with her witty humor and tolerably hilarious mood swings. she really is amazing and im so glad that i ever met her in the first place. we relived the memories of our childhoods and made fun of our newly whorific and scene childhood friend jill. bahahaha. i know that sounds mean but it truly isnt. you have to know the background.

i was soooo glad to get to see janna and alex. i knew of course that i would be and that they were amazing and all that. but i guess i kinda forgot just how amazing they really were. maybe the just get better and better every time i come? all i know is that i cant wait to see them again.

i met my long lost twin!!

her name is marie and were pretty much exactly alike. kinda freaky but really cool. we even look kinda the same. and she makes funny facial expressions that make me laugh. hehe.

i forgot how beautiful maryville really is. i think i overlooked it and took it for granted when i lived there. i LOVE the brick. its everywhere. and it gives everything a warm, hospitable, homey feel. i love it. and i discovered downtown maryville on my visit. i never really took a chance to look at all that was there. i pretty much just drove on through and didnt look around. theres this place called Tomato Head that is absolutely delicious. its one of those little trendy restaurants that you see on tv and really really want in your town. and now maryville has it. and its sad because i cant just walk to it once a week like my friends do. theres a place called The Capital too. its a little cafe type of place inside this old movie theater. you can have parties and watch old movies there and stuff in the back. its really really classy-cool. i want it!

i have a feeling that tomorrow ill wake up and look around fort wayne and realize, hey! im in lame-o fort wayne again! what will i do with myself? im thinking that maybe i should go scoping about for something new that ive never noticed before. i can open my eyes and maybe see a little book store on the corner or a unnoticed coffeeshop. im going to try and bring life to my life in this little corny state.

however, im still afraid that after that amazing weekend of reliving the memories ill fall into a slump. but im determined not to let that happen. i miss tennessee already so itll be pretty hard but im going to do my best. i hate being depressed. who doesnt? so im going to try and look on the upside and figure out a way to get back down there. and im going to try and live the best i can here. no matter how shabby it is compared to small town maryville.

i love you. do you feel the same too?

ashleyy

well my lovelies

2008-08-28T23:59:00.003-04:00

im off to tennessee!!

so sadly i wont be blogging for a while. at least until monday night.

unless we decide to get on at bobby joe's house or vajayjays. heheh nicknames are fun.

lalala not much to blog about today. i had church band today. it was fun and went really well. i think were gonna sound pretty great.

and its fun because jon plays guitar right behind me *insert angel noises here*

i seriously cant wait to go to tennessee. when i go there everything from indiana just falls completely away. which im in need of right now. the katie stuff is still bugging me. how she still doesnt seem to care. i dunno. maybe i should just get over it. she obviously doesnt want to be friends again so i should just find some new ones. i dunno well see how it goes. but anywho. im excited to talk that stuff out and other stuff out with miss janna and miss alex. and then i will be officially care-free. haha no not the pads my friends.

and i plan to meet and discuss some delicious boys. and possibly converse with some i already know. hmmm. we tennesseeans sure do love our gingers. ")

alrighty well i still have to pack and its 12:05. heheh oops.

see you tuesday!!

ill possibly have some new pitchas!

tata for now!

ashleyy

puttin on the ritz

2008-08-27T20:23:00.004-04:00

ive been a little obsessed with shiny toy guns lately.

no idea why.

today was a pretty good day. i love wednesdays. i have all my super easy classes.

english, homeroom, study hall, and art.

yay for slacker coloring days!!

and i have a GREAT homeroom

in it i have my favorite twins, my dirty mexican, and three of the hottest guys in school.

all sitting around my table.

during that class i feel like the luckiest girl alive.

yay for delicious boys

oh and gaby made my day today

gaby the dirty mexican to twins brittany and jackie: do you have the same birthday?

brittany: no mines on august 22 and jackies is on july 31

gaby: woah is that possible? are you still considered twins?

brittany: yeah were a special kind

gaby:cooooool. i want to be a special twin

me: oooh but you are gaby. you are.

ahahahahhahaha. good times and gabys blonde moments

im going to tennessee on friday

IM SO EXCITED!!!!!

as you could imagine.

i get to see all my friends and meet new people.

yayayayayyayay

love youhhh

ashleyy

hmmm could things possibly be looking up?

2008-08-26T23:20:00.002-04:00

i think so.
it just might take a little while to get into full swing.

some say fights make friendships closer.
i dunno if thatll happen this time but it could i guess.

2 DAYS!!
im pumped

i love you
havnt said that in a while
ashleyy

2008-08-26T18:21:00.001-04:00

THREE DAYS

and everything will be ok

so it really pisses me off

2008-08-26T00:12:00.002-04:00

because here i am unable to sleep because im so mad or upset or i dont even know. and shes glad that our friendship is over. she doesnt even care. and i really dont know why. because i honestly didnt do anything but try and get the friendship back together. she was always busy or whatever and i was always trying to get one day out of like three weeks to hang out. but she always ended up blowing me off. i really shouldnt even be upset. weve been falling apart for a while now. but it just infuriates me that she doesnt even care. at all. whatsoever. we were best friends once. shouldnt that make you feel SOMETHING? evidently not. i really really really need to try to go to sleep. i have school tomorrow morning. but ive woken up probably five times now. i just have too many confusing thoughts. i just dont understand how you can just drop your best friend in one day and then be happy about it and confident that the next day is going to be a great one. i just dont see how you can live with that and not say anything or explain anything.

if anyone knows please feel free to explain. i need it super badly. as you can probably tell by the last three posts in like two hours.

yeah that last post?

2008-08-25T23:18:00.001-04:00

nevermind
she doesnt give a shit anyway

what really bothers me

2008-08-25T22:51:00.003-04:00

is that my best friend doesnt even seem to miss me. i havnt truly talked to her for months. i have no idea whats happening in her life. i miss talking to her every day and knowing everything that went on and being able to tell her everything that went on with me. just that friend to friend connection always made my day. now we never even talk. she doesnt seem to realize what a big deal it is to me.

i dont seem to have a best friend anymore. i dont have anyone close by that i can really talk to anymore. she was really all ive ever had now that i think about it. even when i lived in tennessee i never told anyone about what was really happening in my life. i just pretended to be happy and let my friends sadness stand for mine. i guess thats how its supposed to be though since the whole best friend thing didnt seem to work out. maybe im not supposed to have a best friend. maybe im just supposed to be a best friend to others and move through life with a lot of close but not all the way friends. maybe thats just how its supposed to be for me.

im all upset right now. its because of something stupid too. something i think in the back of my mind i was hoping for. though i dont want to admit it because its extremely selfish of me. but im upset that it happened because i expected her to tell me about it. i guess im upset because its what truly marked that we arent best friends anymore. i think ive known it for a while now but ive been brushing it off as something stupid. but now i need to accept that its true and move on.

i guess i only have two best friends of the four left in my life right now. i just wish they were close enough to talk to in person. three more days. three more days until i can talk it out to someone i know will listen and understand.

ashleyy

bad yet good

2008-08-24T21:45:00.003-04:00

so today/ yesterday was very dramatic for me. theres some crap with katie thats definitly pissing me off. she doesnt even think she did anything though no matter how much i try and explain to her that she did.

during school the other day she invited me to hang out with her and caylin on saturday so i said ok and for her to call me or whatever with plans. and so i turned down the three plans that people invited me to do just so i could hang out with her and caylin. it was a big deal to me because i basically havnt really talked to her since warped tour so i was excited to finally get a chance to hang out and all that. and then saturday came and there was still no call so i texted her and asked her what the plans were. and she said "there arent any" and so i said well will there be any? and she said "no nobody can do anything" and so i said "well i can" and she said "well its too late now" and it was 7:00 which is definitly not late at all. i mean the suns still up for another two hours. and so i was like well that sounds a little fishy but hey whatever she probably isnt allowed. and then i was talking to janna and i threw in there that katie and i were supposed to hang out and stuff but she cancelled and how shes been acting weird lately and all that jazz. and then janna was like well i have to call her anyway so ill talk to her about it.

so later janna called me back and told me that katie was acting really weird. she said that katie had said she was at someones house but she wouldnt tell her whose house she was at and something about zach coming over. so im thinking that that sounds a little odd to me. and so i text katie about it and ask her what the deal is and she keeps trying to tell me that there are no plans. and she eventually tells me that she went over to caylins house to swim. well that definitly sounds like plans to me. and that definitly sounds like a big ass lie too. and she doesnt seem to understand why im mad. wouldnt you be mad if your "best friend" invited you somewhere and then told you plans were cancelled but they really werent? i think so.

its not really the fact that i wasnt invited that bugs me. if she would have told me "hey caylin can only have me over" or whatever i would have been like "hey ok" because caylin hasnt liked me before and ive lived. but when she lies to me about it completely and goes out of her way to make sure i dont find out, its gonna piss me off a little bit. that and the fact that over the whole entire summer i only talked to her a few times and then i was expecting to be good friends again over the school year but nothing has happened. every time i try to talk to her she doesnt really talk and only talks to caylin. the only things i know about her life i learn from other people or her blog. that doesnt sound like a really close friendship to me. i want to hear about her life from her personally like i used to. but i guess theres absolutely nothing i can do about it. ill just have to find new friends. ive done it before and i can do it again.

theres your explaination katie. have fun with caylin.

ashleyy

ahh i almost forgot to mention the good.
i got to speak to my favorite people in the world many times today. just their goofy, peppy mood got mine up a lot. im still super upset about the whole katie thing of course but they got me to forget about it for quite a long time. im so excited to see them. but then again im afraid. once i get there i wont want to leave. when i get back i have a feeling im going to be in a depressed slump. thats never good. maybe something miraculous will happen and i wont have to leave. hmm lets hope for something crazy and out of the ordinary that can turn my life around. i guess i can only wait. 4 DAYS!!!!

with all this excitement the past seems to fade

once again
ashleyy out

2008-08-23T21:03:00.005-04:00

lies, betrayal, bitter hate

we once were friends but its too late

the good times are past

now the bad come at last

the trust is broken

it wont come again

and neither will our friendship

its come to an end

that pretty much sums it up right now

asdlkfmf

2008-08-23T20:54:00.003-04:00

i just dont know anymore
my life seems to be falling apart
i cant even think straight
i can hardly breathe
i wish i lived in tennessee

hate me
ashleyy

HAPPY ONE MONTHHHH!

2008-08-20T22:39:00.003-04:00

ok so this is quite an exciting day! its the one month anniversary of this blog. and to be honest, when i started i didnt think it would last this long. i usually tend to forget about these things. buut i guess everyones wrong at some point! and thank god i was. lets just hope it keeps on going.

well i would like to write something to give this blogging day a big SHABANG but its late and i have to wake up at 5:30 for school tomorrow. yip-di-do. so i will write a better blog tomorrow to make up for this sucky one which should be spectacular. check it later lovelies!

love you all and i hope youve loved me!
ashleyy

daw. i love my alex

2008-08-17T22:10:00.004-04:00

so i called alex today and it made me really happy. i got to talk to my best friend who i havnt talked to in quite a while. we recapped and talked about stuff that was bugging us and talked about what were gonna do when i come visit. and we talked about how the kid who is stalking her is acctually his creepy grandpa who thinks they have a lot in common and wants to make sweet passionate old man love to her. hehe. quite exciting.

but yes. overall this has been a pretty good day. well except my dad whos a complete ass 24-7. buuut im getting used to it. well thats all i can think of today

i love you my favorite tennessean, indianese, and random worldwide friends!
ashleyy

fuck regret, lets burn this city down

2008-08-16T21:06:00.004-04:00

im in an odd mood today. well ive been in this mood a while now acctually. i cant really put it into words but im going to try. i think its a kind of loneliness or something. i feel empty. i need something or someone to fill me. i dont know. i just need someone who i know is there for sure. i have friends of course. but lately it seems theyve been disconnected with me. even with school starting and i see them every day. i just have a bad feeling about something that hasnt happened yet but will happen. or maybe it has. i just dont know.

oh well. at least i have something to look forward to and distract me from this mood at least for a moment. i get to go to my favorite place in the world. tennessee! i get to see my best friends who have always and will always be there for me. i get to skip school on friday and stay until monday since its laborday weekend. that means that i get to go to the alcoa football game. its the biggest game of the season so allll of my friends will be there. im so excited! i just hope my mom doesnt freak and decide not to go. and i hope that katie can go. so im going to just think of that through the next week and have it be what keeps me going.

oh and theres this guy that i just cant shake out of my mind. ugh. not good.
i need a guy though. really bad. any takers?

i love you!
ashleyy

falling rain and clean-cut grass

2008-08-10T00:16:00.003-04:00

Today there was a quick downpour of rain. then suddenly it was all cleared and i had an incredible urge to ride my bike. it was one of the most refreshing bikerides ive ever taken.

i just love the irresistable smell of the air after it rains. everything smells fresh and sweet. as i rode down the trail to my bridge, i noticed how much greener and more colorful everything looked. it was like the reain rinsed away the dust and pollon that was covering the beauty underneath. everything seemed fresh and new. maybe thats what my life needs.

i already have had my sin rinsed away by God. so thats not what i mean here. i just think i need a new start. get all of these troubles and things out of my mind. i want to start with a clean slate and let what happens to me happen. brush off the things that cause me pain and focus on the things that bring me joy. im going to look deeper into life and figure out what the deal is. im going to try and be more optimistic.

lets see how this new way of thinking works out.

i heart you
ashleyy

life is a garden, dig it.

2008-08-08T11:16:00.003-04:00

Well the friend drama up in indiana is pretty much gone now. but you can never have a dramaless life. i guess that if there wasnt anything at all then life would get pretty dull. not that drama is a good thing certainly not. but it can end up being a good thing in the end. you can have closer friendships, some life experience, and something to look back and even laugh at. but during the drama we get so caught up in trying to solve it we sometimes overlook the easy way out. all you can really do is forgive and forget. because nobody likes losing friends.

Right now in tennessee theres a lot of drama. im trying to help my friends through it from all the way up here in corn land which is no easy task. though i guess its kind of good that im up here during this arguement with pretty much all of my friends. it makes me unbiased and lets me see both sides of the story. i hope that i can help them work everything out. if they stopped being friends, i dont know what i would do. i cant even image a world with janna and alex hating each other. its pretty much impossible for me. theyre my support together. yeah they do an excellent job by themselves. but sometimes its easier to be caught when you have four arms to catch you instead of just two. so i hope that all of this can go away as easily as those other fights have.

Well enough of this drama talk. i dont want to get the reputation of the drama queen of the blogger world do i? schools almost here and i think im ready. i went the other day for registration and found my classes and my locker and all that jazz. i realized that i have some slacker classes this year which im excited about. though i do have two hard math classes which im dreading. least favorite subject fersher. im more of a words person.

Well i have many things to do today. theyre all pretty easy and fun though but they still must get done! i have to decorate my folders with snazzy stuff and i have to do that stupid online health class thing. oh and then at 3 im going to the mall. yay! im definitly diggin in the garden of life.

peas out
ashleyy

please tell me

2008-08-05T16:35:00.003-04:00

a person should have the right to end an unhealthy relationship without getting crap about it and losing all of their other friends shouldnt they? just give me a little support here. i just need to know that someones there for me.

thank god for janna and alex
ashleyy

drama drama drama, when will it all end so i can post a REAL blog

2008-08-05T15:10:00.003-04:00

yes readers i am truly sorry that the last few blogs have been a little, well, lacking interesting info. ive been having some rough times in this hell of a life and need a vent. sooo here it is.

sadly my exfriend found that "free at last" blog and posted it everywhere she possibly could just to make me seem like the bad guy. which i definitly am not. all i wanted was to get out of a bad friendship and end it quietly. but i guess she has to end everything with a bang. lucky me lucky me. i just hope i dont lose anyone who truly mean something to me through all of this. except maybe it would be a good thing. it could help me figure out who my true friends are. i guess ill just see what the next move is in this currently unhappy life of mine.

yes i say unhappy but do i mean it? i really have been in a better mood lately now that im not dealing with the debate in my head of whether or not to drop a bad friend. the only thing thats bringing me down is the whole thing about her trying to ruin my life. that can put a damper on anyones good mood. then theres also another little story about some guy. ugh wont even go into that confusing territory. buut anyways. i am pretty excited about the whole school starting thing. i know what a geek right? but i cant wait to see my friends (hopefully ill still have some after all this is over) and get back into the swing of things. maybe after we get caught up into all the schoolwork and tight schedules all this will just go away. thats what i hope.

i was hoping that sophomore year would be the best year ever. i read that as jannas goal and it inspired me to make it mine. although this summer has been drama packed and it will most likely reflect on the rest of the year too. there goes my goal! oh well. im still going to try and push through and not make a mess of my life. im just going to try and get great grades and do good in tennis and keep the friends i have got. hello school year, here i come.

remember i love you,
ashleyy

ASLKNMALDKSNFNADSF

2008-08-04T17:49:00.003-04:00

MY LOVERS JANNA FEDERER AND ALEX CAWTHORN MIGHT POSSIBLY BE COMING TO SEE MEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

woah geeze thats all i can get out right now
im so excited!
love you guys
ashleyy

awe crap

2008-08-03T21:00:00.002-04:00

shes gonna trash my life. i know it.

free at last, free at last, great god almighty, i am free at last

2008-08-03T20:22:00.002-04:00

that grueling, neverending, bitchtastic (alex's word), terrible friendship that i was taking all that abuse from is FINALLY over. shes out of my life at last and moving on to her next victom. i just hope its one of my friends. watch out. shell getcha.

i love you fans and true friends
ashleyy

Take a chance on the tight rope baby

2008-08-03T10:26:00.002-04:00

I WENT TO FUCKING WARPED TOUR!!!!!!!!! IT WAS SPECTACULAR!!!

yes that is the highlight of todays blog. oh yeah and sorry ive been slacking a bit in the blogging realm. its been what? a week? i dunno but im getting back on track.

warped had to be one of the greatest experiences of my life. i got to meet a ton of small bands and even some big ones. i found some new music that makes me happy and got to meet a delicious hot sweaty man. mmm. i got my shoe signed by cobra starship and all time low. i gave my best friend the happiest day in her life by letting her talk on the phone with every member of all time low. that made me really happy. i was seriously shaking. i also got a hug from cobra starships gabe and victoria complemented me on my shoelaces. and i befriended the we the kings merch guy. those were the highlights of the day probably.

i also got to hear the heavenly tones of we the kings, all time low, cobra starship, the academy is, charlotte sometimes, angels and airwaves, anberlin, and other various bands. it was excellent. cobra starship, we the kings, and all time low were definitly the faves. i had very few dissappointments over the day. we didnt have time to see motion city soundtrack which was sad. and i didnt get travis to sign my shoe even though i chased him down. that was extremely sad. oh and the heat was unbearable. jeans was a bad idea, no matter how amazing they looked. but in the end it was one of the most exciting days of my life.

the night before was an adventure. it was extremely exausting. we all (jennifer, lauren, katie, kelsey, and i) all stayed the night at kelseys house so we could leave early the next morning. kelsey is neighbors with jc who can be a pretty cool kid but jennifer doesnt like him. so at about 1 in the morning everyone snuck out to go see him but jennifer and i stayed back at the house. they ended up coming back at 2 completely drunk. mostly uhm we'll call her howard though. wow she was trashed. i wasnt exactly surprised though. i had a feeling something was up. but i was surprised and extremly dissappointed when uhh bertha came back stumbling and slurring.

i had always thought she was smart enough to stay straightedge and avoid all that crap and peer pressure. shes an extremely strong person who usually knows whats good for her. it made me really upset. whats the world coming to when the strongest person you know gives in to something that is really really stupid? i guess i just have too high of expectations for people. i dunno. but later she told me shes always drank but not often. that upset me too that she didnt even tell me being my best friend and all. but i guess everyone makes mistakes and gets into crap. so im willing to forgive her though in the back of my mind ill always remember how she dissapointed me. it shouldnt get in the way of our friendship though. i wont let it. im sick of losing friends and getting in fights over stupid stuff. so im going to do my best to get this stuff ive written down on this page out of my mind.

back to howard. she is a really really funny drunk. im not gonna lie. shes already a funny person so when you add not having a clue as to what shes doing it makes it hilarious. but then later after the humor was gone, she started throwing up and such. she drinks a lot and can usually hold her alcohol, but i guess it was just a little too much. she had never thrown up before now from it and it scared her to death. she thought she was going to die and she sat there for hours, head over the toilet, not being able to move at all except for the uncontrollable shaking. it was terrible and we all felt for her. so we stayed up until 4ish in the morning holding her hair and caring for her. but we definitly werent going to leave one of our best friends sides. we just dont work that way. we finally got her to go to sleep and got her through the night. she was still buzzed the next day which was pretty amusing but she puked a few times. not so good.

even with all these setbacks it was an exciting few days. i tightened up some friendships, mostly with jennifer. and i loosened one that im thinking might be a good idea to loosen a little bit. no matter how much i hate losing friends. i just hope that everything works out with everything and this soon to start school year will be great and ill always have this excellent memory of warped tour.

love to fans and friends,
ashleyy

the question of friendship

2008-07-28T22:37:00.003-04:00

well i have a lot of excellent friends. i know that i can always go to them in times of trouble or when i need a good laugh or just wanna hang out. i have about four especially good friends who i am the closest with. without them my world would crash. just thinking about how they would help me or what they would say gets me through a bad situation. i know that they are who i can count on. but im starting to doubt one of them.

i know its a terrible thing to think but its true. this one friend (i wont say any names of course but those other three probably know who im talking about), lets call her...nancy, always talks about how good of friends we are and how she doesnt know what she would do without me. but she never really shows that shes that good of friends with me. what makes a good friend for me is when a person not only is there for me in words but in actions. they have to show that they care and will be there for a long time. and nancy never does. and lately even her words have been especially harsh and unfriendly. constantly talking down to me and acting like im not worth her time just doesnt say friend to me. but she is the one of my friends who needs the most help and guidance in her life. im worried about what might happen to her.

you see nancy has had a lot of trials in her life. shes gone through so much crap most people wouldnt even begin to imagine could happen to one person. and these things have made her vulnerable to other dangers and things that people throw at her. but shes given in because she sees that other people do it so it must be ok because theyre still doing fine. but since weve become friends she hasnt done as much of that stuff. and she thanks me for it sometimes and it makes me feel good that i made a difference to someone. so im afraid that if i stop being friends with her, then she would do something drastic. and i really dont want to stop being friends with her anyway. i care too much. and noone likes to lose a friend. and she has lost a lot too.

but i just dont know how much longer i can take all of this verbal abuse and that short fuse. i dont want to bring it up to her either. shes one tough kid who can ruin a persons life instantly and bring it crashing down. i just dont know what to do. oooh nancy. what shall i do with you?

any advice? please comment and gimme a little support.

i love you all. maybe too much.
ashleyy

a world within a world

2008-07-27T14:48:00.003-04:00

so theres a girl. and she has lived her life as it comes. shes had ups and downs. and when there are downs she has no escape. her family life is a living hell and her friends arent always there to catch her. she has no refuge. until one day she just ran. she kept running until she found a place she could call her own. a little old bridge with a little creek running under it. at last she has found a place to escape.

this little bridge is not just any bridge. oh no. it contains a world underneath it. this world is a place where you can shout your sorrows into the clear air and they just fly away. these sorrows will be gone forever. this world has queen anne's lace and blackberry bushes protecting it. so noone can harm the one inside. this world has a perfect view of the sunset on a pond. this world is the perfect refuge. the girl escapes to it whenever she can. and she only shares it with her closest friends. this girl has found her second home. a world inside the hell of a world outside.

come share my world with me. we can watch the sun set and the stream trickle across the dam. we can sit in silence as we scream out our problems for the little world to hear. and we can sit together just you and me and have the world to ourselves forever.

come sing songs of freedom
love you
ashleyy

make us hip, make us it, make us SCENE

2008-07-25T22:14:00.006-04:00

Yes, for the past two days i have been rather scenester. its been quite a blastie blast. i was chillin with my best friend katie. shes quite spectacular. im so glad that all the drama and crap is finally over between us. now its all happy days and queen anne's lace!

So yesterday katie came over and we went to my favorite place ever. just a little bridge in my neighborhood with a creek running over it and a perfect view of a sunset on a pond (if you ignore the few houses next to it). its a perfect place to go and think or just relax. but with katie it became the place of the scenester. it was excellent and exciting. we got the inspiration from alex, janna, and elizabeths super scene thursdays we did we did. just talking about it made us crave that feeling of ultimate coolness in skinny jeans and vintage tees. so we had the ultimate scene picture showdown. even though we didnt have any scene clothing at the moment it was still invigorating. then we came across a "POSTED NO TRESSPASSING, KEEP OUT" sign. and well, we just couldnt resist.

it was THE perfect photo opportunity and daring adventure into an unknown land along the skirts of fancy pants richland twin eagles. and what we found behind that sign was THE PERFECT SCENE FOREST! well acctually it was a tree farm. (new scenester occupation right thar. just make sure its overgrown with the oh so necessary scene plants/ weeds). it was exciting. we found an old rusty tractor. and a tree spade!! which we posed on taking turns drilling each other. it was invigorating. so we had our adventure of ultimate sceneness in a no tresspassing area covered in thorns while we were digging holes into eachothers polo/boyfriends jank jackets/basketball shorts clothed bodies with a giant tree spade with a plain and clear warning label not to stand under said tree spade. how is that NOT scene i ask you!

so after this mighty fine adventure we came back to my house all bug bitten and thorn poked and watched the ultimate scary movie. pet semetary. that man stephen king is a creeper lemme tell ya. ugh.

then the next day we just HAD to go to the mall and buy scenester clothes for our everapproaching warped tour adventure! so we went to the lovely mall and bought the ultimate scenester clothing. for me: skinny jeans, white long hiphugging tee with an ASIAN ON IT! (hell yes i said it), a neon pink belt, and a variety of colorful glitterfilled bracelets. and for katie: the best distressed skinny jeans, a neon orange and white striped long shirt, and a black vest to top it all off. sound scene enough for ya? oh and then of course we bought white shoes: me, knockoff converse (what a girl only has a limited amount of funds), and katie white knockoff vans. yay for payless!! we plan on getting our epic knockoffs signed by our favorite variety of truly scene with outstanding hair bandmembers. epic idea of katies am i right?

these had to be my two best days in a while (minus the part at the end where my phone got janked. tear*). ooh i love my best friend and her wannabeascenester ways!!

todays song that makes me sing:
sceneboy- AERODRONE
(quite appropriate am i right?)

love your fave "scenester"
ashleyy

number of times the word "scene" used in this blog: 20?

LOOK PITCHAS!!

ahh finally

2008-07-22T22:42:00.003-04:00

the pieces of the messed up puzzle of my life are starting to snap back in place. it was a little jumbled for a while but i think order is finally here. or almost here at least. theres still a little mumbo jumbo here and there but most is well. lets just hope the rest gets back to the norm.

thank god for forgiveness
love you all!
ashleyy

lets live our life on thames street

2008-07-22T15:46:00.004-04:00

Im completely sick of this town. i really am. im sick of being ditched by my friends and ending up spending these long nights alone. im too lonely in this god damned town. i need a new start.

i want more than anything to get a liscense/car, drive down to tennessee, pick up janna, and just go. we'll just drive away and never look back. were going to open up a coffee house on thames street after we graduate. thats our plan. two best friends working together. we'll name it something cool like coffeehouse soundtrack or all time high cafe (after all time low of course). and we'll invite new sound bands to come and play. and of course with those bands comes delicious boys with outstanding hair. we will be unstoppable. and while we do all this we will be molding our minds in great colleges just to prove our parents wrong and say "HOT DAMN WE DID IT!"

this is what i want to do. this is what i want to be. i just want to live a happy life. eventually meet a boy who cares about me as much as i care about him. and well live happy together. and he and i and janna and her future loverboy will all be best friends. we will live in a trendy loft above our trendy thames street cafe and not have a care in the world. i have no idea what my job will be later on or what college i want to go to. i just know that i will be successful and be going places. and i want to do it all with my friends by my side.

those are my life goals. not much so far. i just want to go with the flow. i just want to get out of this town and start doing something that makes a difference.

i miss janna more than words can describe.
love ashleyy

Lets start out easy and see where my fingers take us, shall we?

2008-07-20T21:10:00.002-04:00

welcome to blog de ashleyy. a whole new start to a whole new relationship with the blogging world. here goes nothin.

so i wish i could easily amuse the world with antics of life, happiness, sadness, politics, and the deep depths of the mind. but i cant. no matter how hard i try, im not a very deep person. its something i really want to change. all my friends have such insight to the world. they look at it from an artistic point of view. they have exciting aspirations and feelings. they know where theyre going in life. me? i honestly have no idea. so hopefully through the workings of this blog, ill become a little more like an artistic intellect. lets keep our fingers crossed.

today i am kind of in an optimistic mood. but also im in kind of a lonely depressed mood. i want to change myself. i know that. i want to become something. to stand for something. i want people to look at me and think "she knows what she wants and how shes going to get it". i want people to look at me and want to get to know me. not because of looks or anything. of course not. i just want to try and achieve an air of confidence that rubs off on people. i dont have much of that right now. im an extremely shy person and it really sucks. i have friends trying to push me through. they dont understand why im shy because they say im an amazing person (not being cocky or anything i swear). they ask me why i cant come out of my hard shell for anyone but them. and i really dont know how to answer that. i dont know the reason behind my lack of confidence. i guess i think too much of what people will think of me. im a major people pleaser. if im afraid that someone wont like me, i wont make an effort to get to know them just in case. i think of it as a cliff. i need to get over it and itll just take one leap. its not too far from here to the other side. but one slipup and ill be tumbling down into my doom. so instead of taking that risk, i turn around and look for an alternative route. i know stupid right? and i keep telling myself that. but it just wont sink in. i need to take risks and become more outgoing. im sure i can achieve it if i just keep trying. its the freeze up while i talk to new people that gets me. those are the moments i dread.

so if anyone has any advice at all for this type of delimma, feel free to let me know aaight?

buut anyways in a different direction from that rant. i want this blog to be a way to express myself. im not very good at deep conversations and i like like keeping my problems to myself. im more of a listener not a sharer (if anyone has a problem, hit me up). so lets just see if this helps me open up my mind a bit. im probably starting this in the wrong direction. i didnt really say much about myself or anything. but hey, thats what the about me section is for. am i right?

todays song that makes me swing:
smelyalata- nevershoutnever

lets hope its better next time
love ashleyy