what happened?

where did my best friend go?

i tried talking to her today and she pretty much completely blew me off. i tried texting her and i got three "yeah"s and then an "i gotta go bye." that doesnt sound like a conversation two best friends should have to me. we used to talk all the time. we would stop at each others lockers during every class period. we knew all of each others secrets. we would hang out on the weekends.

ive hung out with her once in the past month.

why cant i keep a best friend? what do i do wrong? i try my hardest to be as low maintenance as possible. i think of my friend first. always. every time. i try and make sure shes happy. if shes having a bad day i try to make it better. yeah. im a pushover. i know i am. but i think that i do it subconsiously because i think maybe one day ill get the same in return. a shoulder to cry on. someone to tell all my problems to. someone to make my day. thats all i want. for once something in return. even just for a day. is that selfish? i try to be a best friend so i can have a best friend.

but lately my best friend has been acting strange. shes been distant. she hasnt been herself. is it because shes moving? i dont know. but does she realize the effect shes having on me? i doubt it. or maybe she does. maybe she wants to lose me. maybe she found someone better. oh god. i think i know whats happening here.

im getting the jessica treatment

whats that? you ask.

well at the beginning of this year, jessica was our friend. she is definitly the blondest person ever. shes beyond blonde. completely. shell say something to you and youll just stand there and stare at her wondering how anyone could possibly think thats a logical statement. ill be blunt. shes stupid. and at first its really funny. and shes one of the nicest people ever. but pretty soon it gets annoying. the niceness makes you angry because you just want her to fight with you so you can yell at her for being so dumb. she drives you up the wall. so finally, my friends and i decided that we would simply block her out of our life. when she talked to us we gave her the shortest of answers. we snapped at her sometimes and we completely ignored her others. we talked about her behind her back and sometimes in front of her face. yeah. we were really really mean. i felt bad about the way we treated her. i was probably one of the nicest to her. i still conversed with her sometimes. and sometimes she would call me crying because she didnt understand why people were being so cold to her. i tried to get her to understand in a way that didnt make her feel bad. i tried to help her. but it didnt work. eventually she just fell out of our lives and found a new group of friends. at the beginning of this harsh treatment, she was completely unaware and didnt realize that anything was wrong.

i think im realizing now that something is. i think that im their next jessica. but i dont know why. i dont think im unintelligent. im getting good grades in hard classes. i can easily comprehend a simple conversation. i can crack a joke and make people laugh. i keep secrets. i help with problems. i can be just like them. so why are they alienating me? why am i the chosen outsider?

why am i even friends with people who have a chosen outsider?

i just dont know anymore

will you be my new best friend?

ashleyy