so long sweet summer

what the hell is this???

next week school starts. and i still feel like im waiting for summer to start!!

i feel angry. i dont know why. i just feel like i havnt made the most of this summer. i havnt done anything. it doesnt feel like it should be almost over. it just hit me. WHAM! school starts next week! klmasldkf ml;a. i just cant believe it. i really cant. i want my summer back. i want to rewind it and start over. choose an alternate ending that leaves me so much happier.

nothing has happened. i didnt take in all of the things i love most about it. the heat didnt happen. i didnt lay in the grass. i didnt search for lemonade stands. i didnt swim. i didnt just sit and do nothing and breath. i love summer air and the feeling and greatness of it. but i didnt take it in. i feel like i missed something. everything. it always means so much to me. its my favorite season. the time for opportunity and a new beginning. but no. i just let it go. and i feel so angry about it. and what sucks is i just cant take it back. it isnt possible.

i wish i had a magic remote like in click.

rewind with me and live

i love you.

ashleyy

friday night freakout

...well thursday but whatever

i had registration today. i love registration day. you see your friends and find out your classes. and i went school supply and clothes shopping. it was so fun. i all around feel more prepared for junior year. but im FREAKING OUT.

ive compared schedules with all my friends and i dont have any classes with any of them. jon and kelsey both have different classes and lunches than me. im afraid i wont see them at all. i dont know what ill do. im so scared that ill be all alone next year. i was planning on having them around to help me through the day. not to mention spanish (yikes). my mom said its an opportunity to make new friends which i guess is true but i dont need new friends. i dont really want them either. im comfortable in my circle of friends and i like where i stand. but i guess a new person is alright. i just hope i have someone to talk to and exchange looks with during those dull classes.

my class schedule is kind of a handful too. ive got some tough classes. thank God for kilmer. heres my schedule...

this is gonna suck
1st semester:
1-integrated chem/physics- walker
2- spanish 3-ragon
3- us history- fraze, a
4-study hall- mudrack
5-english 11/h- schaefer
6-precalc/trig- vanderlaan
7-drawing- kilmer
lunch: c normal. b block day

2nd semester:
1-advanced fashion- mulligan
2-english 11/h- schaefer
3-study hall- bowie
4-spanish 3- ragon
5-us history- snyder
6-icp- chapman
7-precalc/trig- vanderlaan

oh and did i mention lunch? scary stuff. ahhhh. wish me luck.

i love you

pass me a note?


ashleyy

frightened of the future

i was thinking today about how in a few short weeks school is starting. and then i thought "wow. i only have two years left of highschool, i still have no idea what im doing with my life."

ever since freshman year, we've been expected to look to our future. sign up for certain classes that give us a taste of a profession and prepare us. but after two years of highschool i feel even less prepared. i just feel overwhelmed. i have no idea what i want to be or who i want to be when i get out of highschool. i know i want to go to college but unlike most people, i dont even have an idea of any college to go to. im not even sure what interests me. i know art makes me happy and fashion gets my mind moving and excited and i really like to write. but there arent really any reachable jobs with that. when i think of fashion and writing and art i think big citys: new york, london, paris, chicago. not fort lame, indiana. i just dont see myself getting anywhere from here. i need a taste of something new. i need something to give me a spark of inspiration. i always thought something would hit me and i would just know. i thought it would be fate. but i havnt seen a road sign pointing me in the direction i need to go yet. i guess ill just have to get through highschool and hopefully come across one.

i want to go on a roadtrip.

come with me?

i love you

ashleyy

urban word of the day:
Writer's crap
Derived from 'writer's cramp', writer's crap reffers to a stage when one is only capeable of writing utter crap.

im just not feelin it

ITS SUMMER!!

everyone looks forward to it. lounging by the pool. lying in the grass. looking at the clouds. hitting up the closest lemonade stand. going on late night walks and not needing a jacket.

its all fine and dandy and i love it all. but for some reason...

im just not feelin it.

i dont know why. i LOVE summer! but i cant get into the mood. i just spend my days being bored. and for some reason, my creativity is gone.

i HATE it. my creative side usually comes pretty easily. but lately i just havnt had that spark. thats why i havnt written in so long. i cant get in the mood. i want to have it so badly, its like a craving. maybe i need to get away. see something new besides little ole fort wayne. i need a new crowd. my crowds been pretty slim lately anyway. theyre mysteriously out of touch. i dunno. but i need SOMETHING. i need a jumpstart. i just have no clue how to get it.

i want to create. i want to buy a sewing machine. but who knows how much they cost. and i want to paint. i want to draw. i want to color with crayons and make it look like piccasso. i want to write a novel. i want to inspire someone, somewhere, with something. but i dont know how to make it happen. it feels like a vaccume just came and sucked it all outta me. hey hoover give it back!

thats my new mission. figure it all out. get myself straight again. reconnect the dots. listen to some music. make some music. oh geesh practice that damn guitar. make a whole new ashley thats maybe not so new but has been hiding for a while.

ill start tomorrow. er today its 12:06. but i need sleep to juice up the brain.

here goes nothin

i love you!

ashleyy

UGH

I AM JUST SO TIRED



im not even sure why


i just feel overwhelmed with anything and everything

I NEED A BREAK

i just want to take a day off of everything. no tennis, no school, no communication with anyone whatsoever. just sleep and read all day and plan. plan for what will later come. plan for the future. but nothing stressful. just blissful imagining that will probably never come true.

i need some downtime


anyone know a good way to convince a parent you need a mental health day?


i love you

ashleyy

ok wow

its been forever to say the least

and i feel bad because this is all im going to say today

im tired.

sorry lovelies! ill post tomorrow.

busybusybusy

i love you!

ashleyy

urban dictionary's word of the post:
bitchassness
newly discovered disease running rampant, especially in the black community. symptoms include:

1.punkish tendencies see pussy or pussy nigga

2. cattiness, such as talking behind someone's back

3. thinking highly of yourself, but only expressing it under your breath

4.claiming "hurt feelings" when you are called out on your bullshit

Robert of Making the Band 4: "Bitchassness is a disease...and it fucks shit up..."

color my world

i want to jump through a mirror and emerge in a world of color and wonder...oh wait no need, im already in one

lately old fort waynes been under a torrential downpour. im already sick of rain. the only thing i like about it is that it always brings color. i cant wait until it gets warm and green leaves start growing on trees and flowers start to bloom. and GRASS. i love grass, its one of my favorite things of summer which is weird. i just love the feeling of it under your feet and just laying in it and looking at the sky.

but anywho.

i love the post-rain feeling. when all the sudden the sun comes out of the clouds and BAM! the gray is gone and light shows through. its great. you smell that fresh smell thats so overwhelming. and if youre lucky you can even see a rainbow.

hmm hmm im in a weird mood today. good thing i have a keyboard at my fingers so you can get the outcome of it! lucky you lucky you. maybe not. whatever.

life is good right now for those who care. it really really is. although ive realized recently that im at an extreme shortage of friends at the moment (all of them keep moving!), the ones i have are fantastic. like miss kelseygingerpants for example. and i have a boyfriend whos actually good and not a complete jerk. and tennis is starting. not to mention my parents are finally letting me get my permit and do drivers ed! im going on thursday. i really hope everyone elses life is as dandy as mine. and if not, then you can come to me and ill share mine. theres plenty of room and im always open to help.

grab a crayon and color my world

i love you

ashleyy

oh and ive decided to do an urban dictionary word on every post just for kicks.

tired high
a state of altered perception brought on by a lack of sleep
ex- when he started to hallucinate he wasn't sure if it was the weed or if he was just tired high
ex 2- NICK LYTLE HAD A TIRED HIGH!!!!!

what has this world come to?

AMAZINGNESS THATS WHAT

this is the only show ive ever seen that brings our joy and fear simultaneously in me.

hahahahaha

love you!

dont forget, DO THE HARRY!

ashleyy

a saranwrapped epiphany

hahahahahahhaha

i love my life

lets touch lips for the hell of it

i want summer super bad

ive been listening to backseat goodbye constantly. It reminds me of summer so much. im getting all these flash backs of past summers and hopes for future summers. im SICK of winter and the cold and even the snow. yeah its good at first because hellooo fun falling from the sky! but now im just over it. seriously. i want to lay in the grass and look at the sky. i want to be TAN. i want to swim in the pool. i want to hang with friends whenever i want. i want no homework. i want to swing. i want to go bikeriding. i want my secret spot. i want to go outside and not freeze. i want a sky that isnt covered in gray. i want the sun.

theres a lot i want but summer is on the TOP of the list.

so valentines day was excellent. this is my first one with a boyfriend. it was more than i expected from lazy procrastinating laid back jon. he actually planned it. he took me to casas then we went iceskating. then after we were frozen we went to see a movie. it was super fun. and he bought me flowers and chocolate. yumm. yeah its a little cliche but i dont care. thats a lot for him. i found a wooden box in my basement that i collaged (thanks jay for the idea) and then i put a bunch of candy and cookies inside and stuff. it was good fun.

so teachers have been BRUTAL lately. ive had crazy amounts of homework every night. and i guess my procrastination doesnt help but still. its annoying. i really should be writing my research paper thats due tomorrow buuut i havnt blogged in a while and wanted to write something down. maybe thisll get the creative juices aflowin. haha i dunno. but yes. im hungry and need to get going on homework. talk to you later lovelies!

ill be your valentine!

i love you!

ashleyy

woah wow holy shoot bam

aaall weekend i spent going from party to party. why there were so many? who flippin knows. but its was a blast.

on friday i threw a going away party for brittany and jackie. (in the picture on the bottom second from the left and far right. im in the middle of them.) it was a breakfast at tiffany's theme. it was sooo fun. everyone dressed up for it in old timey clothes and we had fake margaritas and cigarette holders. it was all very glamourous and everyone got a chance to write their goodbyes to brittany and jackie in a book and all that jazz. it wasnt all sappy and emotional but i did get a little teared up when jackie and i were talking about how much we would miss each other. theyre leaving today and since we dont have any school, i dont think im going to get to say goodbye. its really really sad. it seems like i always lose my friends this way. but im determined to stay in touch.

on saturday i went to katie's birthday party which was pretty fun. she had a cupcake bar with cupcakes in icecream cones. they were weird and hard to eat but delish. haha kelsey and i ended up getting in an icing fight which was exciting and i had icing in my hair for the rest of the night.

on sunday i went to lauren's birthday party. it was poker themed but noone knew how to play poker. haha. we ended up attempting to play random card games but kept getting distracted. then we watched 21 with mr. delicious from accross the universe. yumm.

it was an extremely hectic and stressful week for me. i had sooo much to do. with all the party planning and projects that these stupid teachers keep loading on me. its rediculous. but i pretty much got everything done and now this week seems pretty stress free so far. thank god. i need a break. thats for sure.

well im going to play in the snow!!

i love you!

ashleyy

damn

i still havnt called

im so sorry

i love you

even if i dont show it

ashleyy

i hate it

I hate it how

• stress is taking over my life
• i never have time for me anymore
• i cant seem to find the time to give my best friends a call
• even when im doing something for someone else, it goes unappreciated
• im doing everything i can but its not good enough
• my parents are making me see a shrink
• my best friends are moving away
• i have 5 homework projects at once
• my heart sucker broke
• my plans just arent good enough
• im always there for them but they cant seem to do the same for me
• my parents dont know me at all
• im devoting all my time to this when i know itll go to waste
• they cant agree with me for just this once
• theyll probably completely forget about me

I love it how

• after all i havnt done and have forgotten, theyre still my best friends
• kelsey is just so damn amazing
• jon still likes me
• my necklace is fun to play with
• v-day is comin up
• the sun is out
• im throwing the going away bash
• even after they leave, kelsey will be by my side

supposed love

i just dont understand why its so hard

parents are supposed to love you over everyone

thats the most important responsibility they have

yet some just cant do it

i swear to god i will love any future child of mine

ashleyy

whats happenin hot stuff?

"Computers are ignorance in a box"

~ Maggie Knors

goodness i miss that girl. i havnt seen or talked to her in so long. but i still remember most of the things she said to me. and her bubbly, sparkling, always optimistic personality. she really had an impact on me and she probably doesnt even know it. i wish i knew how to get a hold of her so i could let her know.

but yes my computer is stupid.

i dunno what the deal is but every time i turn it on it gets stuck on a black screen with a white blinking dash. sooo i snuck downstairs onto my sisters computer and im majorly hoping she doesnt come home sometime soon. shell be royally pissed.

well its officially 2009!

to me it honestly doesnt feel any different. its just another day passing by. but im going to try to make my days count. make them different and life impacting. i dont want to fall into a boring endless cycle. i have a feeling thatll happen once school starts back up. tuesday, ugh. itll just be school every day then tennis on monday, lazy tuesday, church wednesday, church band practice thursday, friends friday and saturday or just lazy, then church sunday. the same thing over and over again. i want excitement. i want something new and life changing. something that makes me think. something that challenges me to make a difference or impact someones life.

i doubt thatll happen though, it rarely does.

i really really really miss my friends. i havnt spent time with them in so long. i realized today that i dont have a best friend. i dont even really have a super close friend. it used to be brittany and jackie but i havnt hung out with them or even really talked with them in at least two weeks. i have been spending a lot of time with kelsey and jennifer lately though. kelsey is really easy to talk to and im not afraid of being judged by her. i think our friendship has definite potential.

katie and i hung out today with, gulp, caylin. caylin is well, frankly a bitch and extremely fake. i just cant figure out if she likes me or not. she acts one way one day and another way the next. and she tells certain people she likes me and others she doesnt. i found out some stuff about her that makes her like that but still, everyone has SOME control over the way they act. at least i know shes trying to fix it though.

i miss janna and alex and annick more than anything. i would walk miles just to see them. i really want to visit more than anything. it just isnt fair that i was ripped away from the only friends who have always had my back, who are there for me no matter what happens. i keep forgetting to call them. it really makes me hate myself. i miss them so much and think about them constantly, no lie. but it seems like every time i do im hanging out with someone else or am about to go somewhere or something. im just too busy. by the time i get a break to do something its midnight and too late. im going to write myself like 50320554 notes and put them everywhere for me to call them tomorrow. no matter what im doing, when it pops into my mind, im going to call right then. i promise. i just need to hear the voices of my best friends. they really have no idea how much i care.

well its late and i think i just heard holly get home. gotta skadaddle. i have no idea when ill be able to blog next but ill get on asap.

i love you, i really really do

ashleyy

wowowowowowwowowow

MERRY CHRISTMAS AS OF 2 MINUTES AGO!!

WELL IM EXCITED

Christmas is here! the day of giving and cheer. i just love it. and this really has been an excellent christmas. i have a boyfriend during chrismas for the first time. and we spent pretty much the whole day christmas eve together. it was fantastic. he got me a necklace. =]

its been a looong time since ive blogged. sorry all. not that anyone reads this or anything... but anywho. ive had a lot going on in my life or nothing at all. i dunno. its been really really good though. i went to semiformal with jon and ive been hanging out with him and my friends a lot. im pretty sure ive been keeping a good balance which is good. my best friend also got a good guy who will finally treat her right which is excellent. im also starting to reconnect with my old best friend from the ninth grade days. its really good. i found out that brittany and jackie are officially moving in may which is bad. that probably the main downer in the past month. its a shame really. its always hard losing a best friend. but thats pretty much my recap for the past monthish whatever. i just havnt been in a blogging mood lately though. i dunno why. i need to get these creative juices aflowin again.

well i gotta get to sleep so santa doesnt skip over my house!

happy christma-hannah-quanzica!

i love you!

really, i do

ashleyy

what happened?

where did my best friend go?

i tried talking to her today and she pretty much completely blew me off. i tried texting her and i got three "yeah"s and then an "i gotta go bye." that doesnt sound like a conversation two best friends should have to me. we used to talk all the time. we would stop at each others lockers during every class period. we knew all of each others secrets. we would hang out on the weekends.

ive hung out with her once in the past month.

why cant i keep a best friend? what do i do wrong? i try my hardest to be as low maintenance as possible. i think of my friend first. always. every time. i try and make sure shes happy. if shes having a bad day i try to make it better. yeah. im a pushover. i know i am. but i think that i do it subconsiously because i think maybe one day ill get the same in return. a shoulder to cry on. someone to tell all my problems to. someone to make my day. thats all i want. for once something in return. even just for a day. is that selfish? i try to be a best friend so i can have a best friend.

but lately my best friend has been acting strange. shes been distant. she hasnt been herself. is it because shes moving? i dont know. but does she realize the effect shes having on me? i doubt it. or maybe she does. maybe she wants to lose me. maybe she found someone better. oh god. i think i know whats happening here.

im getting the jessica treatment

whats that? you ask.

well at the beginning of this year, jessica was our friend. she is definitly the blondest person ever. shes beyond blonde. completely. shell say something to you and youll just stand there and stare at her wondering how anyone could possibly think thats a logical statement. ill be blunt. shes stupid. and at first its really funny. and shes one of the nicest people ever. but pretty soon it gets annoying. the niceness makes you angry because you just want her to fight with you so you can yell at her for being so dumb. she drives you up the wall. so finally, my friends and i decided that we would simply block her out of our life. when she talked to us we gave her the shortest of answers. we snapped at her sometimes and we completely ignored her others. we talked about her behind her back and sometimes in front of her face. yeah. we were really really mean. i felt bad about the way we treated her. i was probably one of the nicest to her. i still conversed with her sometimes. and sometimes she would call me crying because she didnt understand why people were being so cold to her. i tried to get her to understand in a way that didnt make her feel bad. i tried to help her. but it didnt work. eventually she just fell out of our lives and found a new group of friends. at the beginning of this harsh treatment, she was completely unaware and didnt realize that anything was wrong.

i think im realizing now that something is. i think that im their next jessica. but i dont know why. i dont think im unintelligent. im getting good grades in hard classes. i can easily comprehend a simple conversation. i can crack a joke and make people laugh. i keep secrets. i help with problems. i can be just like them. so why are they alienating me? why am i the chosen outsider?

why am i even friends with people who have a chosen outsider?

i just dont know anymore

will you be my new best friend?

ashleyy

...

im worried

i love you so much

ashleyy

Do you ever get that mean red feeling?

the other day i had a classic movie night. the first movie we watched was breakfast at tiffanys. not gonna lie. i felt kind of inspired by Holly Golightly played by Audrey Hepburn.

In the movie, holly golightly seemed to be the most poised and put together woman in the world. she was strong and independant. every guy was after her but she never seemed to let them get a hold of her. she was the epitome of perfection. at least on the outside

inside holly was still trying to figure out who she was. she had philosophies on life that were a little off in some ways but they were hers. she had everything in and out of order at the same time. but if you passed her in the street you would have no idea.

she found ballet slippers in her fridge. she had a couch made out of a bathtub. she had a cat with no name. she went out her window more than out her front door. she sang on her fire escape. she threw crazy parties. she kept her phone in a suitcase. she visited a criminal named Mr. Sally Tomato in singsing. she stole from the fiveanddime on occasion for the thrill. and when she had a "mean red day" she found her escape at tiffany's.

holly was an odd character to say the least but shes just so classy, so elegant. "every girl wants to be her and every boy wants to do her" says the movie trailer. shes the kind of person you could never believe has a problem in the world. she takes life as it comes at her. she fixes everything herself and needs noone (except for paul in the end). i envy her independence. i rely on everyone around me. i wouldnt know what to do with myself if i didnt have someone to take care of me. she left home when she was 14 and somehow managed to be that glamorous girl.

do you want to be like holly golightly?

i think i do

i love you

ashleyy

Holly Golightly: I'm like cat here, a no-name slob. We belong to nobody, and nobody belongs to us. We don't even belong to each other.

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?

Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?

Holly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

Paul: Sure.

Paul: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!

thanks for missing me

friends mean the world to me. theyre what sustains me. they keep me going.

nothing crushes me more than a friend who doesnt seem to care

my best friends are moving. its going to be hell for me. i know that already. so i feel like i need to try and spend at least some time with them. but no. they dont even want to fucking try. they seem more and more distant every day. i try to make plans, they come up with some stupid excuse. i try to text them, they give me the shortest answers possible then just all together stop talking. its rediculous and makes me feel like shit.

they dont even try to act like theyre going to miss me. not at all. theyve moved seven times already so they seem cold about it. they seem to not even care that their leaving behind all of their friends. they dont even think of how hard it is for us

i tried to make plans for the dance with them. but they "dont feel like going". and then they say that they really do have reasons for turning down all my plans and that they dont just make up excuses. does "i dont feel like it" sound like a good reason to you? no. it doesnt.

dont they realize that i pray and wish every night that they wouldnt have to move?

i tried talking about it. i tried asking why theyve been so distant with me lately. i tried making plans. i tried to figure out why they keep turning them down. i just dont know. im sick of trying. every time i try they turn it into some big fight. im just sick of it.

will you try for me?

i love you

ashleyy