whats happenin hot stuff?

"Computers are ignorance in a box"

~ Maggie Knors

goodness i miss that girl. i havnt seen or talked to her in so long. but i still remember most of the things she said to me. and her bubbly, sparkling, always optimistic personality. she really had an impact on me and she probably doesnt even know it. i wish i knew how to get a hold of her so i could let her know.

but yes my computer is stupid.

i dunno what the deal is but every time i turn it on it gets stuck on a black screen with a white blinking dash. sooo i snuck downstairs onto my sisters computer and im majorly hoping she doesnt come home sometime soon. shell be royally pissed.

well its officially 2009!

to me it honestly doesnt feel any different. its just another day passing by. but im going to try to make my days count. make them different and life impacting. i dont want to fall into a boring endless cycle. i have a feeling thatll happen once school starts back up. tuesday, ugh. itll just be school every day then tennis on monday, lazy tuesday, church wednesday, church band practice thursday, friends friday and saturday or just lazy, then church sunday. the same thing over and over again. i want excitement. i want something new and life changing. something that makes me think. something that challenges me to make a difference or impact someones life.

i doubt thatll happen though, it rarely does.

i really really really miss my friends. i havnt spent time with them in so long. i realized today that i dont have a best friend. i dont even really have a super close friend. it used to be brittany and jackie but i havnt hung out with them or even really talked with them in at least two weeks. i have been spending a lot of time with kelsey and jennifer lately though. kelsey is really easy to talk to and im not afraid of being judged by her. i think our friendship has definite potential.

katie and i hung out today with, gulp, caylin. caylin is well, frankly a bitch and extremely fake. i just cant figure out if she likes me or not. she acts one way one day and another way the next. and she tells certain people she likes me and others she doesnt. i found out some stuff about her that makes her like that but still, everyone has SOME control over the way they act. at least i know shes trying to fix it though.

i miss janna and alex and annick more than anything. i would walk miles just to see them. i really want to visit more than anything. it just isnt fair that i was ripped away from the only friends who have always had my back, who are there for me no matter what happens. i keep forgetting to call them. it really makes me hate myself. i miss them so much and think about them constantly, no lie. but it seems like every time i do im hanging out with someone else or am about to go somewhere or something. im just too busy. by the time i get a break to do something its midnight and too late. im going to write myself like 50320554 notes and put them everywhere for me to call them tomorrow. no matter what im doing, when it pops into my mind, im going to call right then. i promise. i just need to hear the voices of my best friends. they really have no idea how much i care.

well its late and i think i just heard holly get home. gotta skadaddle. i have no idea when ill be able to blog next but ill get on asap.

i love you, i really really do

ashleyy

wowowowowowwowowow

MERRY CHRISTMAS AS OF 2 MINUTES AGO!!

WELL IM EXCITED

Christmas is here! the day of giving and cheer. i just love it. and this really has been an excellent christmas. i have a boyfriend during chrismas for the first time. and we spent pretty much the whole day christmas eve together. it was fantastic. he got me a necklace. =]

its been a looong time since ive blogged. sorry all. not that anyone reads this or anything... but anywho. ive had a lot going on in my life or nothing at all. i dunno. its been really really good though. i went to semiformal with jon and ive been hanging out with him and my friends a lot. im pretty sure ive been keeping a good balance which is good. my best friend also got a good guy who will finally treat her right which is excellent. im also starting to reconnect with my old best friend from the ninth grade days. its really good. i found out that brittany and jackie are officially moving in may which is bad. that probably the main downer in the past month. its a shame really. its always hard losing a best friend. but thats pretty much my recap for the past monthish whatever. i just havnt been in a blogging mood lately though. i dunno why. i need to get these creative juices aflowin again.

well i gotta get to sleep so santa doesnt skip over my house!

happy christma-hannah-quanzica!

i love you!

really, i do

ashleyy

what happened?

where did my best friend go?

i tried talking to her today and she pretty much completely blew me off. i tried texting her and i got three "yeah"s and then an "i gotta go bye." that doesnt sound like a conversation two best friends should have to me. we used to talk all the time. we would stop at each others lockers during every class period. we knew all of each others secrets. we would hang out on the weekends.

ive hung out with her once in the past month.

why cant i keep a best friend? what do i do wrong? i try my hardest to be as low maintenance as possible. i think of my friend first. always. every time. i try and make sure shes happy. if shes having a bad day i try to make it better. yeah. im a pushover. i know i am. but i think that i do it subconsiously because i think maybe one day ill get the same in return. a shoulder to cry on. someone to tell all my problems to. someone to make my day. thats all i want. for once something in return. even just for a day. is that selfish? i try to be a best friend so i can have a best friend.

but lately my best friend has been acting strange. shes been distant. she hasnt been herself. is it because shes moving? i dont know. but does she realize the effect shes having on me? i doubt it. or maybe she does. maybe she wants to lose me. maybe she found someone better. oh god. i think i know whats happening here.

im getting the jessica treatment

whats that? you ask.

well at the beginning of this year, jessica was our friend. she is definitly the blondest person ever. shes beyond blonde. completely. shell say something to you and youll just stand there and stare at her wondering how anyone could possibly think thats a logical statement. ill be blunt. shes stupid. and at first its really funny. and shes one of the nicest people ever. but pretty soon it gets annoying. the niceness makes you angry because you just want her to fight with you so you can yell at her for being so dumb. she drives you up the wall. so finally, my friends and i decided that we would simply block her out of our life. when she talked to us we gave her the shortest of answers. we snapped at her sometimes and we completely ignored her others. we talked about her behind her back and sometimes in front of her face. yeah. we were really really mean. i felt bad about the way we treated her. i was probably one of the nicest to her. i still conversed with her sometimes. and sometimes she would call me crying because she didnt understand why people were being so cold to her. i tried to get her to understand in a way that didnt make her feel bad. i tried to help her. but it didnt work. eventually she just fell out of our lives and found a new group of friends. at the beginning of this harsh treatment, she was completely unaware and didnt realize that anything was wrong.

i think im realizing now that something is. i think that im their next jessica. but i dont know why. i dont think im unintelligent. im getting good grades in hard classes. i can easily comprehend a simple conversation. i can crack a joke and make people laugh. i keep secrets. i help with problems. i can be just like them. so why are they alienating me? why am i the chosen outsider?

why am i even friends with people who have a chosen outsider?

i just dont know anymore

will you be my new best friend?

ashleyy