the question of friendship

well i have a lot of excellent friends. i know that i can always go to them in times of trouble or when i need a good laugh or just wanna hang out. i have about four especially good friends who i am the closest with. without them my world would crash. just thinking about how they would help me or what they would say gets me through a bad situation. i know that they are who i can count on. but im starting to doubt one of them.

i know its a terrible thing to think but its true. this one friend (i wont say any names of course but those other three probably know who im talking about), lets call her...nancy, always talks about how good of friends we are and how she doesnt know what she would do without me. but she never really shows that shes that good of friends with me. what makes a good friend for me is when a person not only is there for me in words but in actions. they have to show that they care and will be there for a long time. and nancy never does. and lately even her words have been especially harsh and unfriendly. constantly talking down to me and acting like im not worth her time just doesnt say friend to me. but she is the one of my friends who needs the most help and guidance in her life. im worried about what might happen to her.

you see nancy has had a lot of trials in her life. shes gone through so much crap most people wouldnt even begin to imagine could happen to one person. and these things have made her vulnerable to other dangers and things that people throw at her. but shes given in because she sees that other people do it so it must be ok because theyre still doing fine. but since weve become friends she hasnt done as much of that stuff. and she thanks me for it sometimes and it makes me feel good that i made a difference to someone. so im afraid that if i stop being friends with her, then she would do something drastic. and i really dont want to stop being friends with her anyway. i care too much. and noone likes to lose a friend. and she has lost a lot too.

but i just dont know how much longer i can take all of this verbal abuse and that short fuse. i dont want to bring it up to her either. shes one tough kid who can ruin a persons life instantly and bring it crashing down. i just dont know what to do. oooh nancy. what shall i do with you?

any advice? please comment and gimme a little support.

i love you all. maybe too much.
ashleyy

a world within a world

so theres a girl. and she has lived her life as it comes. shes had ups and downs. and when there are downs she has no escape. her family life is a living hell and her friends arent always there to catch her. she has no refuge. until one day she just ran. she kept running until she found a place she could call her own. a little old bridge with a little creek running under it. at last she has found a place to escape.

this little bridge is not just any bridge. oh no. it contains a world underneath it. this world is a place where you can shout your sorrows into the clear air and they just fly away. these sorrows will be gone forever. this world has queen anne's lace and blackberry bushes protecting it. so noone can harm the one inside. this world has a perfect view of the sunset on a pond. this world is the perfect refuge. the girl escapes to it whenever she can. and she only shares it with her closest friends. this girl has found her second home. a world inside the hell of a world outside.

come share my world with me. we can watch the sun set and the stream trickle across the dam. we can sit in silence as we scream out our problems for the little world to hear. and we can sit together just you and me and have the world to ourselves forever.

come sing songs of freedom
love you
ashleyy

make us hip, make us it, make us SCENE

Yes, for the past two days i have been rather scenester. its been quite a blastie blast. i was chillin with my best friend katie. shes quite spectacular. im so glad that all the drama and crap is finally over between us. now its all happy days and queen anne's lace!

So yesterday katie came over and we went to my favorite place ever. just a little bridge in my neighborhood with a creek running over it and a perfect view of a sunset on a pond (if you ignore the few houses next to it). its a perfect place to go and think or just relax. but with katie it became the place of the scenester. it was excellent and exciting. we got the inspiration from alex, janna, and elizabeths super scene thursdays we did we did. just talking about it made us crave that feeling of ultimate coolness in skinny jeans and vintage tees. so we had the ultimate scene picture showdown. even though we didnt have any scene clothing at the moment it was still invigorating. then we came across a "POSTED NO TRESSPASSING, KEEP OUT" sign. and well, we just couldnt resist.

it was THE perfect photo opportunity and daring adventure into an unknown land along the skirts of fancy pants richland twin eagles. and what we found behind that sign was THE PERFECT SCENE FOREST! well acctually it was a tree farm. (new scenester occupation right thar. just make sure its overgrown with the oh so necessary scene plants/ weeds). it was exciting. we found an old rusty tractor. and a tree spade!! which we posed on taking turns drilling each other. it was invigorating. so we had our adventure of ultimate sceneness in a no tresspassing area covered in thorns while we were digging holes into eachothers polo/boyfriends jank jackets/basketball shorts clothed bodies with a giant tree spade with a plain and clear warning label not to stand under said tree spade. how is that NOT scene i ask you!

so after this mighty fine adventure we came back to my house all bug bitten and thorn poked and watched the ultimate scary movie. pet semetary. that man stephen king is a creeper lemme tell ya. ugh.

then the next day we just HAD to go to the mall and buy scenester clothes for our everapproaching warped tour adventure! so we went to the lovely mall and bought the ultimate scenester clothing. for me: skinny jeans, white long hiphugging tee with an ASIAN ON IT! (hell yes i said it), a neon pink belt, and a variety of colorful glitterfilled bracelets. and for katie: the best distressed skinny jeans, a neon orange and white striped long shirt, and a black vest to top it all off. sound scene enough for ya? oh and then of course we bought white shoes: me, knockoff converse (what a girl only has a limited amount of funds), and katie white knockoff vans. yay for payless!! we plan on getting our epic knockoffs signed by our favorite variety of truly scene with outstanding hair bandmembers. epic idea of katies am i right?

these had to be my two best days in a while (minus the part at the end where my phone got janked. tear*). ooh i love my best friend and her wannabeascenester ways!!

todays song that makes me sing:
sceneboy- AERODRONE
(quite appropriate am i right?)

love your fave "scenester"
ashleyy

number of times the word "scene" used in this blog: 20?

LOOK PITCHAS!!

ahh finally

the pieces of the messed up puzzle of my life are starting to snap back in place. it was a little jumbled for a while but i think order is finally here. or almost here at least. theres still a little mumbo jumbo here and there but most is well. lets just hope the rest gets back to the norm.

thank god for forgiveness
love you all!
ashleyy

lets live our life on thames street

Im completely sick of this town. i really am. im sick of being ditched by my friends and ending up spending these long nights alone. im too lonely in this god damned town. i need a new start.

i want more than anything to get a liscense/car, drive down to tennessee, pick up janna, and just go. we'll just drive away and never look back. were going to open up a coffee house on thames street after we graduate. thats our plan. two best friends working together. we'll name it something cool like coffeehouse soundtrack or all time high cafe (after all time low of course). and we'll invite new sound bands to come and play. and of course with those bands comes delicious boys with outstanding hair. we will be unstoppable. and while we do all this we will be molding our minds in great colleges just to prove our parents wrong and say "HOT DAMN WE DID IT!"

this is what i want to do. this is what i want to be. i just want to live a happy life. eventually meet a boy who cares about me as much as i care about him. and well live happy together. and he and i and janna and her future loverboy will all be best friends. we will live in a trendy loft above our trendy thames street cafe and not have a care in the world. i have no idea what my job will be later on or what college i want to go to. i just know that i will be successful and be going places. and i want to do it all with my friends by my side.

those are my life goals. not much so far. i just want to go with the flow. i just want to get out of this town and start doing something that makes a difference.

i miss janna more than words can describe.
love ashleyy

Lets start out easy and see where my fingers take us, shall we?

welcome to blog de ashleyy. a whole new start to a whole new relationship with the blogging world. here goes nothin.

so i wish i could easily amuse the world with antics of life, happiness, sadness, politics, and the deep depths of the mind. but i cant. no matter how hard i try, im not a very deep person. its something i really want to change. all my friends have such insight to the world. they look at it from an artistic point of view. they have exciting aspirations and feelings. they know where theyre going in life. me? i honestly have no idea. so hopefully through the workings of this blog, ill become a little more like an artistic intellect. lets keep our fingers crossed.

today i am kind of in an optimistic mood. but also im in kind of a lonely depressed mood. i want to change myself. i know that. i want to become something. to stand for something. i want people to look at me and think "she knows what she wants and how shes going to get it". i want people to look at me and want to get to know me. not because of looks or anything. of course not. i just want to try and achieve an air of confidence that rubs off on people. i dont have much of that right now. im an extremely shy person and it really sucks. i have friends trying to push me through. they dont understand why im shy because they say im an amazing person (not being cocky or anything i swear). they ask me why i cant come out of my hard shell for anyone but them. and i really dont know how to answer that. i dont know the reason behind my lack of confidence. i guess i think too much of what people will think of me. im a major people pleaser. if im afraid that someone wont like me, i wont make an effort to get to know them just in case. i think of it as a cliff. i need to get over it and itll just take one leap. its not too far from here to the other side. but one slipup and ill be tumbling down into my doom. so instead of taking that risk, i turn around and look for an alternative route. i know stupid right? and i keep telling myself that. but it just wont sink in. i need to take risks and become more outgoing. im sure i can achieve it if i just keep trying. its the freeze up while i talk to new people that gets me. those are the moments i dread.

so if anyone has any advice at all for this type of delimma, feel free to let me know aaight?

buut anyways in a different direction from that rant. i want this blog to be a way to express myself. im not very good at deep conversations and i like like keeping my problems to myself. im more of a listener not a sharer (if anyone has a problem, hit me up). so lets just see if this helps me open up my mind a bit. im probably starting this in the wrong direction. i didnt really say much about myself or anything. but hey, thats what the about me section is for. am i right?

todays song that makes me swing:
smelyalata- nevershoutnever

lets hope its better next time
love ashleyy