tonight i am the drug you can't deny

so i randomly feel like posting about music today.

honestly i dont know much about it at all. if something sounds good to me, im all for it. i love independant bands, ones that dont sell themselves out to record companies and all that. to me they represent going out on your own, knowing what you want, and getting it. christofer drew ingle from nevershoutnever is an excellent example of this. hes only been in the biz for a year and hes already had six major label offers. he turned them all down. i think thats the way to play your music and keep it real.

now i have absolutely nothing against the signed artists. i love love love tons of em. like cobra starship. theyve become my new obsession. right now im diggin the church of hot addiction. amazing song. last week it was snakes on a plane (bring it). i love their upbeat style and humor thats in all their songs. haha they get sued for some of them. like making fun of hollaback girl with hollaback boy. "this shit is supercalafragalisicexpialidocious..." bahaha love that song. and they recently came out with i kissed a boy which is obviously making fun of katy perry. lets just hope shes more humorous about it than gwen stephani was. mm gotta love them cobras.

all time low is definitly another playlist must-have (haha this is for you janna). their souls just come out of their music and have a feel good feel to them. i dunno if that makes sense hah. oh well. but yeah. if you wanna know anything about atl just hit janna up. their lyrics are her bible. which is understandable since they are excellent of course. theyre amazing live. (and on the phone as jay jay knows). =]].

some people may not dig these alternative punk indie whatevertheyare bands. ahah im not good with genres sorry. a lot of people go for rap. i myself dont think its music. all it is is a beat which is a crucial part of music and all but it doesnt have a melody. and the singing is more talking in a fast pace to me. i dunno. thats just my opinion. if anyone is open for arguement then thats fine with me. sometimes disputes can be fun.

so yes lovelies thats my input on music. ill update that playlist eventually. im just lazy. haha. gimme your opinions. i like to hear them.

G-A-B-E IS COMIN FOR YOU
ashleyy

oh and hit this up

go ask elvis

something good is going to happen soon.

i have no idea what but i can feel it

this weekend is going to be amazing. i know that for sure.

could things be looking up even higher?

lifes been greatly improving lately ive noticed.

its a nice change of pace.

i miss tennessee really really bad though.

i hope youre as lucky as i am to have such amazing friends

i love you
ashleyy

ugh parents are annoying

so im grounded which is why ive been slacking in the blogging department lately

it really is quite annoying

i made my dad mad by doing my nails on the carpet and he slapped me in the head

so i yelled at him for it and told him never to touch me again.

that didnt make him too happy.

but i think i deserve just as much respect as any other person. yes i am his daughter and he does have authority over me but thats no excuse whatsoever to hit me. and i told him that which resulted in him taking away my phone and my computer. sad sad story. what i really hate is how he never tells me when i get it back. i ask him and he just says "when you adjust your attitude and stop being a bitch." but i just cant help it. i really cant. he just completely and totally infuriates me. hes never ever been nice to me. ever. so when he walks in the room i have to get mean or else ill break down from the criticism and looks he gives me. its the only way for me to stand strong. if i dont, ill be stomped all over. sadly this results in taken away priveledges. ugh.

you might be wondering how im on the computer now when im supposed to be grounded. well i had to print something off for school and my mom forgot that i was on here. haha lucky me!

so ill just blog for a while and see if i get into trouble.

i really want my phone back. really. it does nothing at all to disconnect me from my friends. it just makes me angrier. my friends are the only thing that keeps me sane. without them i could possibly die. either that or go phsyco. no lie. if my family was all i had i would run away. friends are the only thing keeping me here. that and fear of whats out there. im a big chicken.

i think i need to find another way to deal with my dad. maybe i should just not say anything and sit on my hands or something. oh and did i mention that i always get the incredibly strong urge to punch him in the throat? dont worry i never have. i would get my ass beaten. but anywho, i really dont want anymore stuff taken away. that would suck big time.

alas madre has discovered me.

ill get on as often as possible

eye lurve youhhh

ashleyy

ITS HOMECOMING TIME!

ahh that fabulous week is over.

many schools these days have homecoming around this time. funnnn stuff.

i just love the random dress up days. it gives you a chance to try something new and out there. decades day was amazing. i wore an 80s style. my moms old white surprisingly retro shoes, grey tights, a bright purple bubble skirt with black stars, a purple and lime green tyedye shirt cut crookedly at the collar, a bandana across my forehead with my hair straight up in the air, and about 20 different brihtly colored accesories. it was crazy and exciting to see the different styles. they were all pretty much the same but some people went WAY out there. exciting exciting.

tonight was the homecoming game. we lost against east noble for the eighth year in a row. you would think they would stop playing them on homecoming night but nooo. its pretty rediculous. we lost 0-26 or something. its not a big deal to me though. i pretty much just go to socialize. brittany, jackie, and i were trying to figure out why guys freak so much about it. we were walking out with jackies boyfriend trevor and he was punching lockers and doors and the other guys were throwing down their bags and stuff. i just dont understand why they get so worked up about it. its just a sport. after highschool noone is going to care. after the next week noone will even remember it. we dont hate the team just because they failed one time. they can always come back and make a good win. so guys dont freak if you make one loss. its a definite turn off.

jordan said something amazing today: "seeing those guys in their tight pants and football helmets...it kinda turns me on"

bahahaha she is NOT the type of person to say something like that... well maybe she is. she always seems to surprise me.

love me as much as you love those guys in spandex and helmets?

i hope so

ashleyy

its the end of the world as we know it

so im sure many of you have heard about the whole crazy british scientist guy recreating the big bang theory. and when you think about it, it will ultimately lead to doom. so whats the point? if it works we get our universe replaced by another one and if it doesnt we get sucked into a black hole. yippie for scientific discovery!

so due to our possibly impending death in about a month (not to be a downer) ive been thinking about life and death and stuff. the other day i was watching Troy and Achilles said that the gods are jealous of men because we are mortal. mortals see everything differently and more gloriously. we live life on the edge because our life could end at any moment. we see everything more brightly and brilliantly. everything has an edge to it. we want to take in as much of it as we can so we wont miss a beat. life is a precious thing that shouldnt be taken for granted. it seems like sometimes we forget that we are mortal. we dont stop to take in everything and just live. we rush through our lives and try to get everything done at a superfast pace so we can come out on top. maybe the important thing is to just take it slow. then, in the end, you will come out ahead of the world.

ive also started to think about what i might like to tell some people before death comes. some things i think i owe them. i might just want to let people know how much i love and care for them. i dont really keep secrets from friends or have anything mean or super important to tell them. i just want them to know that i care. my friends and family mean the world to me. i definitly dont treat my family the way i should. i know i dont. but its really really hard with one like mine. and i know a lot of people have it way worse but its still hard. people look at me and think i have it all good. but there are things that people dont know. you shouldnt assume that everythings ok just because you dont say or complain about it. because of these things im not very nice in return to my family. i do still love them though and they probably need to hear that more often. i was also thinking about telling that certain guy my feelings for him. i doubt i will because ill chicken out though. but i did think about it. what could happen if i did. though some of the thoughts involved denial which always sucks. because i honestly have no idea what he thinks about me. he gives mixed signs. my heard isnt in your pants so stop playing with it. haha i saw that on an icon. but anywho. yeah i dunno.

im not sure if i should believe all this end of the world mumbo jumbo hooha. but what if it really is true? would i act out on these things? im not sure. i always say im going to do stuff and then never do it. thats one of the bad things about me. i chicken out too easily. i guess ill just have to see what comes up in a month!

i love you until the end of the world and beyond

ashleyy

BAHAHAHAH

THIS MADE ME LAUGH FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES

it shows the true hate for guys that we often feel. sorry guys. but maybe if you step it up a bit we wont have to resort to this.

love me?

if you dont this might happen to you >=[

haha jus joshin ya

ashleyy

BREE BREE

SO BROKENCYDE IS OFFICIALLY AMAZING

i can honestly say that i had one of the best nights of my life.

i went to Miss Q's today with kelsey, jennifer, and paulina. i got to witness the amazing performance of jordan of the ready set. hes even more attractive in person. mmm. i am convinced that this man is my soulmate. hes sooo sweet and really funny. he made jokes during the technical difficulties. haha.

HE SIGNED MY SHOE. it made me happpyyyy.

I HAD MY FIRST REAL MOSHING EXPERIENCE.

it was sooo cool. just the feeling of the music pushing everyone to the front. crowd surfers flying everywhere. the whole crowd moving as one with their hands in the air. you can really feel the music flow through you. (especially when the speakers are busting in your eardrums). brokencyde was sooo great. i never really liked them but when i saw them live i fell in love. just their connection to the crowd. you can really tell theyre dedicated and having fun. its not just their job its their love, their life, their past, their future. usually that kind of music is too intense for me. but this was just undeniably amazing. 7 even stage dived. he landed right in front of me and i helped him up. =]]]. kelsey got to hold his hand for at least a minute while he was on stage. "our fingers were criss-crossy!!"

bahaha.

so overall

this was one of the best nights of my life. it possibly and probably even topped warped tour. no lie. i just can not wait for my next miss qs experience. no dissappointment whatsoever.

love you all!

ashleyy

disconnected

i feel strangely disconnected from the world today. ive tried texting people but i get no replies. i messaged and commented people on myspace. nothing. i tried calling and arranging a movie. nothing. whats the deal? is it avoid ashley day? it feels kind of eerie. i dunno. i never really really stopped to think how much i rely on my friends to keep me sane. when all the sudden theres noone there i just feel helpless. that gives me all the more motivation to keep the friends i have and try and make even more. expand my web of sanity givers. or maybe i should try and make myself more independent. find some other escape. that way if something really bad happens and noone else is there for me, i wont come crashing down. i think the key to it is a balance. have friends close and there for support but have yourself ready and strong if something falls through.

its been a lonely, lazy, day today. instead of doing my homework and cleaning my room like i was supposed to be doing, i watched that 70s show, read gossip girl, and took some time to think. i started to think about the guy ive been stuck on for quite a while. i really dont understand why i even like him. the bad kinda outweighs the good i think. and then theres the fact that he isnt showing any signs of anything at all. he used to like me i think. but then i made a mistake of telling one of my friends who told him and kinda freaked him out a bit. he stopped talking to me for a while after that. i just dont understand why every guy i like seems to try and run as fast as they can from me. im pretty subtle when i like someone. i dont want to scare them away. but maybe i should try changing that. stop fearing scaring them away and start concentrating on taking a chance. but thats just not me. im in no way confident enough for that. ill break down and do something stupid like i always do.

god it sucks lacking confidence.

any advice?

ashleyy

sorry

hey all. sorry ive fallen behind on the blogging so much lately. its been pretty crazy/lazy.

i dunno what it is. i think im in a slump. and im pretty sure its a lovesick slump which is the worst kind to be in. i feel like watching the notebook. blahh.

i just dont know anymore. but whatever it is it just isnt getting me in the mood lately. and sadly im not in the mood today either. possibly tommorrow. possibly.

ashleyy

young love is fleeting

today was...

well i dont really know what today was

it wasnt good but it wasnt bad either

i dunno i was in an odd mood today for some reason. i think it might be loneliness. ive been feeling that a lot lately.

it seems the only thing that has ever made that feeling go away is being in tennessee. ahh how i miss it. i want to go back so bad. i miss janna and alex and annick and marie and everyone sooo much. it feels like thats where i belong. its where i always have and where i always will. there doesnt seem to be a place for me here in this crop circle of a state. i guess i just have to try and do my best because theres no changing my parents minds. theres no way they would let me live in tennessee without them. i can only dream.

i really really wish there was a guy who liked me. but these things never seem to go my way. every guy ive liked has suddenly realized it and alienated themselves from me. whats the deal? am i really that terrible? why doesnt anyone want to be with me?

everyone needs to feel loved and needed. its a necesity in life. without love we would be nothing. we wouldnt take risks or have sacrifices. what would be the point? without love there would be no us. it would be lonely and sad. even if you dont have love currently you know deep in your heart that theres a chance. you know it exists. so i guess you can love love but definitly hate it too. ill just have to wait. and see if the right guy comes along. one that i know wants to be with me.

if only for a moment.

will you love me?

ashleyy

all drab to totally fab

so tennessee was fantastic to say the least

i got to see pretty much everyone i wanted to see, and i had the best time ever with my best friends ever.

aaand i got to see annick! whom i have sadly lost touch with over the years. i kind of forgot how much i loved her with her witty humor and tolerably hilarious mood swings. she really is amazing and im so glad that i ever met her in the first place. we relived the memories of our childhoods and made fun of our newly whorific and scene childhood friend jill. bahahaha. i know that sounds mean but it truly isnt. you have to know the background.

i was soooo glad to get to see janna and alex. i knew of course that i would be and that they were amazing and all that. but i guess i kinda forgot just how amazing they really were. maybe the just get better and better every time i come? all i know is that i cant wait to see them again.

i met my long lost twin!!

her name is marie and were pretty much exactly alike. kinda freaky but really cool. we even look kinda the same. and she makes funny facial expressions that make me laugh. hehe.

i forgot how beautiful maryville really is. i think i overlooked it and took it for granted when i lived there. i LOVE the brick. its everywhere. and it gives everything a warm, hospitable, homey feel. i love it. and i discovered downtown maryville on my visit. i never really took a chance to look at all that was there. i pretty much just drove on through and didnt look around. theres this place called Tomato Head that is absolutely delicious. its one of those little trendy restaurants that you see on tv and really really want in your town. and now maryville has it. and its sad because i cant just walk to it once a week like my friends do. theres a place called The Capital too. its a little cafe type of place inside this old movie theater. you can have parties and watch old movies there and stuff in the back. its really really classy-cool. i want it!

i have a feeling that tomorrow ill wake up and look around fort wayne and realize, hey! im in lame-o fort wayne again! what will i do with myself? im thinking that maybe i should go scoping about for something new that ive never noticed before. i can open my eyes and maybe see a little book store on the corner or a unnoticed coffeeshop. im going to try and bring life to my life in this little corny state.

however, im still afraid that after that amazing weekend of reliving the memories ill fall into a slump. but im determined not to let that happen. i miss tennessee already so itll be pretty hard but im going to do my best. i hate being depressed. who doesnt? so im going to try and look on the upside and figure out a way to get back down there. and im going to try and live the best i can here. no matter how shabby it is compared to small town maryville.

i love you. do you feel the same too?

ashleyy