...

im worried

i love you so much

ashleyy

Do you ever get that mean red feeling?

the other day i had a classic movie night. the first movie we watched was breakfast at tiffanys. not gonna lie. i felt kind of inspired by Holly Golightly played by Audrey Hepburn.

In the movie, holly golightly seemed to be the most poised and put together woman in the world. she was strong and independant. every guy was after her but she never seemed to let them get a hold of her. she was the epitome of perfection. at least on the outside

inside holly was still trying to figure out who she was. she had philosophies on life that were a little off in some ways but they were hers. she had everything in and out of order at the same time. but if you passed her in the street you would have no idea.

she found ballet slippers in her fridge. she had a couch made out of a bathtub. she had a cat with no name. she went out her window more than out her front door. she sang on her fire escape. she threw crazy parties. she kept her phone in a suitcase. she visited a criminal named Mr. Sally Tomato in singsing. she stole from the fiveanddime on occasion for the thrill. and when she had a "mean red day" she found her escape at tiffany's.

holly was an odd character to say the least but shes just so classy, so elegant. "every girl wants to be her and every boy wants to do her" says the movie trailer. shes the kind of person you could never believe has a problem in the world. she takes life as it comes at her. she fixes everything herself and needs noone (except for paul in the end). i envy her independence. i rely on everyone around me. i wouldnt know what to do with myself if i didnt have someone to take care of me. she left home when she was 14 and somehow managed to be that glamorous girl.

do you want to be like holly golightly?

i think i do

i love you

ashleyy

Holly Golightly: I'm like cat here, a no-name slob. We belong to nobody, and nobody belongs to us. We don't even belong to each other.

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?

Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?

Holly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

Paul: Sure.

Paul: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!

thanks for missing me

friends mean the world to me. theyre what sustains me. they keep me going.

nothing crushes me more than a friend who doesnt seem to care

my best friends are moving. its going to be hell for me. i know that already. so i feel like i need to try and spend at least some time with them. but no. they dont even want to fucking try. they seem more and more distant every day. i try to make plans, they come up with some stupid excuse. i try to text them, they give me the shortest answers possible then just all together stop talking. its rediculous and makes me feel like shit.

they dont even try to act like theyre going to miss me. not at all. theyve moved seven times already so they seem cold about it. they seem to not even care that their leaving behind all of their friends. they dont even think of how hard it is for us

i tried to make plans for the dance with them. but they "dont feel like going". and then they say that they really do have reasons for turning down all my plans and that they dont just make up excuses. does "i dont feel like it" sound like a good reason to you? no. it doesnt.

dont they realize that i pray and wish every night that they wouldnt have to move?

i tried talking about it. i tried asking why theyve been so distant with me lately. i tried making plans. i tried to figure out why they keep turning them down. i just dont know. im sick of trying. every time i try they turn it into some big fight. im just sick of it.

will you try for me?

i love you

ashleyy

im making a list, hell ill check it twice, of all the things youve done in my life

today before school there was a car crash.

a girl named audie gregory was killed in the accident. she was 16 or 17. her brothers and sisters, whitney, evan, brittany, and justin were sent to the hospital. they were all 14 and 15.

audie was pregnant and her baby wasnt developed enough to be saved.

they announced it on the intercom and the whole school seemed quieter today. i didnt know audie but i kinda know whitney. i didnt really mourn or freak out about it because i wasnt close to any of the people, but a lot of other people did. half the school was gone. they let everyone who needed to talk go to the guidance office and some went home or to their church to talk to their youth pastors. it was amazing to see all the people effected by just five people.

it made me wonder how many people i have left a mark on in my life. have i made a good impression? a bad one? have i improved people? made a shame of myself? been a good example? a bad one? have i impacted someones life enough to change it completely around?

i dont think ill ever know. i dont think anyone knows, how many people youve impacted. you could have changed someones life just by passing them in the street. they could have looked at you and had an idea spark in their head. you could have made someone realize that there is hope for tomorrow. you could have made someone feel loved. let someone know they have a friend. made someone realize that they arent alone and that youre on their side. how many people?

after i die and hopefully go to heaven, will i look back on my life and be proud of what i have done? if i die tomorrow, i dont think i would be. i havnt done much. ive pretty much just floated along and done what i was told and not gone off the path. maybe i should try to work towards something. find some way to change the world. change a life. i want to be remembered for doing something extraordinary.

what will you be remembered for?

will you remember me?

i love you

ashleyy

keep the gregory's and those whos lives were impacted by them in your prayers

destroy the worries, play in the leaves

my life seems jumbled.

all my problems have fallen away to reveal a new set of problems and insecurities. i just wish i could rake them up into a pile like leaves on a fall day.

my gingerboy is great. he really really is. ive never felt this way about anyone before and he just makes me feel so special. but im afraid of what will happen to us. relationships dont last forever. especially in highschool. young love is fleeting. im afraid ill slip up. i dont know much about being a good girlfriend. i dont know a lot of things. i feel so naieve. it sucks. it gets me questioning everything i do. everything i say. i dont like it. but i do like him and i like the way he looks at me. so im just going to try and get the hang of things.

brittany and jackie seem to be distancing themselves from me. their moving date moved up to winter break now instead of summer break. theyve moved so many times before, maybe they found out that its easier to take the distance ahead of time. i dont know. but i dont like it. theyre my best friends and i dont want to lose them. but it seems like every time i try to make plans or even have a conversation with them, theyre too busy. i cant deal with losing another best friend. i just cant. i dont have anyone else to turn to.

one of my friends has me worried. she isnt herself. all i want is for her to happy. all i want is to be there for her. i love her so much. shes my best friend and always has been. i just wish there was some way i could help.

hopefully everything will fall into place. ill be able to pile them up and sort through. then dive right in and enjoy life. just work through the worries and live.

buy me a rake?

i love you

ashleyy

color my senses cherry red

ashley has a boyfran. =]

this doesnt happen often.

this is good.

hes a keeper.

i love you

ashleyy

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

well i guess happy late halloween.

i had an amazing time. i went trick or treating with kelsey and jennifer. i decided that im going to go every year until i get weird looks. i got the idea from kelsey. so if im accepted at peoples doorsteps until im 30 then, hey, bring on the candy! i always have fun and it gives me a chance to feel like a kid again. i love it.

i went to a halloween party tonight at jessicas house. she annoys the crap outta me which is mean but true. shes clingy to the extreme but shes super nice. tons of my friends were there and jessica has a twin brother so we had some football guys too. sadly none of the attractive ones came. its a shame. but oh well i have my ginger.

jessica invited a lot of the show choir kids along with me, brittany, jackie, stephany, jordan, and a bunch of other people. lets just say we dont mix well. they all stayed upstairs and in the kitchen playing apples to apples so poor jessica was torn between trying to make sure they had a good time and hanging our with us. oh well. i hope she ended up having fun at her own party. i know i had fun.

we got kinda tired of being inside so we went out and jumped on the trampoline and then got everyone to join in a game of soda pong. its just like beer pong except with soda. and we didnt have a ping pong ball so we used goldfish. haha. it was fun yet disgusting because we mixed all the grossest kinds of coke together. deeelish. rootbeer makes me gag.

i had an altogether fun halloween. everyone like my twister costume (theres a picture at the top). i did get lots of "left hand blue" comments from the football players though.

how was your halloween?

if it sucked just play some twister

i love you!

ashleyy