well my lovelies

im off to tennessee!!

so sadly i wont be blogging for a while. at least until monday night.

unless we decide to get on at bobby joe's house or vajayjays. heheh nicknames are fun.

lalala not much to blog about today. i had church band today. it was fun and went really well. i think were gonna sound pretty great.

and its fun because jon plays guitar right behind me *insert angel noises here*

i seriously cant wait to go to tennessee. when i go there everything from indiana just falls completely away. which im in need of right now. the katie stuff is still bugging me. how she still doesnt seem to care. i dunno. maybe i should just get over it. she obviously doesnt want to be friends again so i should just find some new ones. i dunno well see how it goes. but anywho. im excited to talk that stuff out and other stuff out with miss janna and miss alex. and then i will be officially care-free. haha no not the pads my friends.

and i plan to meet and discuss some delicious boys. and possibly converse with some i already know. hmmm. we tennesseeans sure do love our gingers. ")

alrighty well i still have to pack and its 12:05. heheh oops.

see you tuesday!!

ill possibly have some new pitchas!

tata for now!

ashleyy

puttin on the ritz

ive been a little obsessed with shiny toy guns lately.

no idea why.

today was a pretty good day. i love wednesdays. i have all my super easy classes.

english, homeroom, study hall, and art.

yay for slacker coloring days!!

and i have a GREAT homeroom

in it i have my favorite twins, my dirty mexican, and three of the hottest guys in school.

all sitting around my table.

during that class i feel like the luckiest girl alive.

yay for delicious boys

oh and gaby made my day today

gaby the dirty mexican to twins brittany and jackie: do you have the same birthday?

brittany: no mines on august 22 and jackies is on july 31

gaby: woah is that possible? are you still considered twins?

brittany: yeah were a special kind

gaby:cooooool. i want to be a special twin

me: oooh but you are gaby. you are.

ahahahahhahaha. good times and gabys blonde moments

im going to tennessee on friday

IM SO EXCITED!!!!!

as you could imagine.

i get to see all my friends and meet new people.

yayayayayyayay

love youhhh

ashleyy

hmmm could things possibly be looking up?

i think so.
it just might take a little while to get into full swing.

some say fights make friendships closer.
i dunno if thatll happen this time but it could i guess.

2 DAYS!!
im pumped

i love you
havnt said that in a while
ashleyy

THREE DAYS

and everything will be ok

so it really pisses me off

because here i am unable to sleep because im so mad or upset or i dont even know. and shes glad that our friendship is over. she doesnt even care. and i really dont know why. because i honestly didnt do anything but try and get the friendship back together. she was always busy or whatever and i was always trying to get one day out of like three weeks to hang out. but she always ended up blowing me off. i really shouldnt even be upset. weve been falling apart for a while now. but it just infuriates me that she doesnt even care. at all. whatsoever. we were best friends once. shouldnt that make you feel SOMETHING? evidently not. i really really really need to try to go to sleep. i have school tomorrow morning. but ive woken up probably five times now. i just have too many confusing thoughts. i just dont understand how you can just drop your best friend in one day and then be happy about it and confident that the next day is going to be a great one. i just dont see how you can live with that and not say anything or explain anything.

if anyone knows please feel free to explain. i need it super badly. as you can probably tell by the last three posts in like two hours.

yeah that last post?

nevermind
she doesnt give a shit anyway

what really bothers me

is that my best friend doesnt even seem to miss me. i havnt truly talked to her for months. i have no idea whats happening in her life. i miss talking to her every day and knowing everything that went on and being able to tell her everything that went on with me. just that friend to friend connection always made my day. now we never even talk. she doesnt seem to realize what a big deal it is to me.

i dont seem to have a best friend anymore. i dont have anyone close by that i can really talk to anymore. she was really all ive ever had now that i think about it. even when i lived in tennessee i never told anyone about what was really happening in my life. i just pretended to be happy and let my friends sadness stand for mine. i guess thats how its supposed to be though since the whole best friend thing didnt seem to work out. maybe im not supposed to have a best friend. maybe im just supposed to be a best friend to others and move through life with a lot of close but not all the way friends. maybe thats just how its supposed to be for me.

im all upset right now. its because of something stupid too. something i think in the back of my mind i was hoping for. though i dont want to admit it because its extremely selfish of me. but im upset that it happened because i expected her to tell me about it. i guess im upset because its what truly marked that we arent best friends anymore. i think ive known it for a while now but ive been brushing it off as something stupid. but now i need to accept that its true and move on.

i guess i only have two best friends of the four left in my life right now. i just wish they were close enough to talk to in person. three more days. three more days until i can talk it out to someone i know will listen and understand.

ashleyy

bad yet good

so today/ yesterday was very dramatic for me. theres some crap with katie thats definitly pissing me off. she doesnt even think she did anything though no matter how much i try and explain to her that she did.

during school the other day she invited me to hang out with her and caylin on saturday so i said ok and for her to call me or whatever with plans. and so i turned down the three plans that people invited me to do just so i could hang out with her and caylin. it was a big deal to me because i basically havnt really talked to her since warped tour so i was excited to finally get a chance to hang out and all that. and then saturday came and there was still no call so i texted her and asked her what the plans were. and she said "there arent any" and so i said well will there be any? and she said "no nobody can do anything" and so i said "well i can" and she said "well its too late now" and it was 7:00 which is definitly not late at all. i mean the suns still up for another two hours. and so i was like well that sounds a little fishy but hey whatever she probably isnt allowed. and then i was talking to janna and i threw in there that katie and i were supposed to hang out and stuff but she cancelled and how shes been acting weird lately and all that jazz. and then janna was like well i have to call her anyway so ill talk to her about it.

so later janna called me back and told me that katie was acting really weird. she said that katie had said she was at someones house but she wouldnt tell her whose house she was at and something about zach coming over. so im thinking that that sounds a little odd to me. and so i text katie about it and ask her what the deal is and she keeps trying to tell me that there are no plans. and she eventually tells me that she went over to caylins house to swim. well that definitly sounds like plans to me. and that definitly sounds like a big ass lie too. and she doesnt seem to understand why im mad. wouldnt you be mad if your "best friend" invited you somewhere and then told you plans were cancelled but they really werent? i think so.

its not really the fact that i wasnt invited that bugs me. if she would have told me "hey caylin can only have me over" or whatever i would have been like "hey ok" because caylin hasnt liked me before and ive lived. but when she lies to me about it completely and goes out of her way to make sure i dont find out, its gonna piss me off a little bit. that and the fact that over the whole entire summer i only talked to her a few times and then i was expecting to be good friends again over the school year but nothing has happened. every time i try to talk to her she doesnt really talk and only talks to caylin. the only things i know about her life i learn from other people or her blog. that doesnt sound like a really close friendship to me. i want to hear about her life from her personally like i used to. but i guess theres absolutely nothing i can do about it. ill just have to find new friends. ive done it before and i can do it again.

theres your explaination katie. have fun with caylin.

ashleyy

ahh i almost forgot to mention the good.
i got to speak to my favorite people in the world many times today. just their goofy, peppy mood got mine up a lot. im still super upset about the whole katie thing of course but they got me to forget about it for quite a long time. im so excited to see them. but then again im afraid. once i get there i wont want to leave. when i get back i have a feeling im going to be in a depressed slump. thats never good. maybe something miraculous will happen and i wont have to leave. hmm lets hope for something crazy and out of the ordinary that can turn my life around. i guess i can only wait. 4 DAYS!!!!

with all this excitement the past seems to fade

once again
ashleyy out

lies, betrayal, bitter hate

we once were friends but its too late

the good times are past

now the bad come at last

the trust is broken

it wont come again

and neither will our friendship

its come to an end


that pretty much sums it up right now

asdlkfmf

i just dont know anymore
my life seems to be falling apart
i cant even think straight
i can hardly breathe
i wish i lived in tennessee

hate me
ashleyy

HAPPY ONE MONTHHHH!

ok so this is quite an exciting day! its the one month anniversary of this blog. and to be honest, when i started i didnt think it would last this long. i usually tend to forget about these things. buut i guess everyones wrong at some point! and thank god i was. lets just hope it keeps on going.

well i would like to write something to give this blogging day a big SHABANG but its late and i have to wake up at 5:30 for school tomorrow. yip-di-do. so i will write a better blog tomorrow to make up for this sucky one which should be spectacular. check it later lovelies!

love you all and i hope youve loved me!
ashleyy

daw. i love my alex

so i called alex today and it made me really happy. i got to talk to my best friend who i havnt talked to in quite a while. we recapped and talked about stuff that was bugging us and talked about what were gonna do when i come visit. and we talked about how the kid who is stalking her is acctually his creepy grandpa who thinks they have a lot in common and wants to make sweet passionate old man love to her. hehe. quite exciting.

but yes. overall this has been a pretty good day. well except my dad whos a complete ass 24-7. buuut im getting used to it. well thats all i can think of today

i love you my favorite tennessean, indianese, and random worldwide friends!
ashleyy

fuck regret, lets burn this city down

im in an odd mood today. well ive been in this mood a while now acctually. i cant really put it into words but im going to try. i think its a kind of loneliness or something. i feel empty. i need something or someone to fill me. i dont know. i just need someone who i know is there for sure. i have friends of course. but lately it seems theyve been disconnected with me. even with school starting and i see them every day. i just have a bad feeling about something that hasnt happened yet but will happen. or maybe it has. i just dont know.

oh well. at least i have something to look forward to and distract me from this mood at least for a moment. i get to go to my favorite place in the world. tennessee! i get to see my best friends who have always and will always be there for me. i get to skip school on friday and stay until monday since its laborday weekend. that means that i get to go to the alcoa football game. its the biggest game of the season so allll of my friends will be there. im so excited! i just hope my mom doesnt freak and decide not to go. and i hope that katie can go. so im going to just think of that through the next week and have it be what keeps me going.

oh and theres this guy that i just cant shake out of my mind. ugh. not good.
i need a guy though. really bad. any takers?

i love you!
ashleyy

falling rain and clean-cut grass

Today there was a quick downpour of rain. then suddenly it was all cleared and i had an incredible urge to ride my bike. it was one of the most refreshing bikerides ive ever taken.

i just love the irresistable smell of the air after it rains. everything smells fresh and sweet. as i rode down the trail to my bridge, i noticed how much greener and more colorful everything looked. it was like the reain rinsed away the dust and pollon that was covering the beauty underneath. everything seemed fresh and new. maybe thats what my life needs.

i already have had my sin rinsed away by God. so thats not what i mean here. i just think i need a new start. get all of these troubles and things out of my mind. i want to start with a clean slate and let what happens to me happen. brush off the things that cause me pain and focus on the things that bring me joy. im going to look deeper into life and figure out what the deal is. im going to try and be more optimistic.

lets see how this new way of thinking works out.

i heart you
ashleyy

life is a garden, dig it.

Well the friend drama up in indiana is pretty much gone now. but you can never have a dramaless life. i guess that if there wasnt anything at all then life would get pretty dull. not that drama is a good thing certainly not. but it can end up being a good thing in the end. you can have closer friendships, some life experience, and something to look back and even laugh at. but during the drama we get so caught up in trying to solve it we sometimes overlook the easy way out. all you can really do is forgive and forget. because nobody likes losing friends.

Right now in tennessee theres a lot of drama. im trying to help my friends through it from all the way up here in corn land which is no easy task. though i guess its kind of good that im up here during this arguement with pretty much all of my friends. it makes me unbiased and lets me see both sides of the story. i hope that i can help them work everything out. if they stopped being friends, i dont know what i would do. i cant even image a world with janna and alex hating each other. its pretty much impossible for me. theyre my support together. yeah they do an excellent job by themselves. but sometimes its easier to be caught when you have four arms to catch you instead of just two. so i hope that all of this can go away as easily as those other fights have.

Well enough of this drama talk. i dont want to get the reputation of the drama queen of the blogger world do i? schools almost here and i think im ready. i went the other day for registration and found my classes and my locker and all that jazz. i realized that i have some slacker classes this year which im excited about. though i do have two hard math classes which im dreading. least favorite subject fersher. im more of a words person.

Well i have many things to do today. theyre all pretty easy and fun though but they still must get done! i have to decorate my folders with snazzy stuff and i have to do that stupid online health class thing. oh and then at 3 im going to the mall. yay! im definitly diggin in the garden of life.

peas out
ashleyy

please tell me

a person should have the right to end an unhealthy relationship without getting crap about it and losing all of their other friends shouldnt they? just give me a little support here. i just need to know that someones there for me.

thank god for janna and alex
ashleyy

drama drama drama, when will it all end so i can post a REAL blog

yes readers i am truly sorry that the last few blogs have been a little, well, lacking interesting info. ive been having some rough times in this hell of a life and need a vent. sooo here it is.

sadly my exfriend found that "free at last" blog and posted it everywhere she possibly could just to make me seem like the bad guy. which i definitly am not. all i wanted was to get out of a bad friendship and end it quietly. but i guess she has to end everything with a bang. lucky me lucky me. i just hope i dont lose anyone who truly mean something to me through all of this. except maybe it would be a good thing. it could help me figure out who my true friends are. i guess ill just see what the next move is in this currently unhappy life of mine.

yes i say unhappy but do i mean it? i really have been in a better mood lately now that im not dealing with the debate in my head of whether or not to drop a bad friend. the only thing thats bringing me down is the whole thing about her trying to ruin my life. that can put a damper on anyones good mood. then theres also another little story about some guy. ugh wont even go into that confusing territory. buut anyways. i am pretty excited about the whole school starting thing. i know what a geek right? but i cant wait to see my friends (hopefully ill still have some after all this is over) and get back into the swing of things. maybe after we get caught up into all the schoolwork and tight schedules all this will just go away. thats what i hope.

i was hoping that sophomore year would be the best year ever. i read that as jannas goal and it inspired me to make it mine. although this summer has been drama packed and it will most likely reflect on the rest of the year too. there goes my goal! oh well. im still going to try and push through and not make a mess of my life. im just going to try and get great grades and do good in tennis and keep the friends i have got. hello school year, here i come.

remember i love you,
ashleyy

ASLKNMALDKSNFNADSF

MY LOVERS JANNA FEDERER AND ALEX CAWTHORN MIGHT POSSIBLY BE COMING TO SEE MEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

woah geeze thats all i can get out right now
im so excited!
love you guys
ashleyy

awe crap

shes gonna trash my life. i know it.

free at last, free at last, great god almighty, i am free at last

that grueling, neverending, bitchtastic (alex's word), terrible friendship that i was taking all that abuse from is FINALLY over. shes out of my life at last and moving on to her next victom. i just hope its one of my friends. watch out. shell getcha.

i love you fans and true friends
ashleyy

Take a chance on the tight rope baby

I WENT TO FUCKING WARPED TOUR!!!!!!!!! IT WAS SPECTACULAR!!!

yes that is the highlight of todays blog. oh yeah and sorry ive been slacking a bit in the blogging realm. its been what? a week? i dunno but im getting back on track.

warped had to be one of the greatest experiences of my life. i got to meet a ton of small bands and even some big ones. i found some new music that makes me happy and got to meet a delicious hot sweaty man. mmm. i got my shoe signed by cobra starship and all time low. i gave my best friend the happiest day in her life by letting her talk on the phone with every member of all time low. that made me really happy. i was seriously shaking. i also got a hug from cobra starships gabe and victoria complemented me on my shoelaces. and i befriended the we the kings merch guy. those were the highlights of the day probably.

i also got to hear the heavenly tones of we the kings, all time low, cobra starship, the academy is, charlotte sometimes, angels and airwaves, anberlin, and other various bands. it was excellent. cobra starship, we the kings, and all time low were definitly the faves. i had very few dissappointments over the day. we didnt have time to see motion city soundtrack which was sad. and i didnt get travis to sign my shoe even though i chased him down. that was extremely sad. oh and the heat was unbearable. jeans was a bad idea, no matter how amazing they looked. but in the end it was one of the most exciting days of my life.

the night before was an adventure. it was extremely exausting. we all (jennifer, lauren, katie, kelsey, and i) all stayed the night at kelseys house so we could leave early the next morning. kelsey is neighbors with jc who can be a pretty cool kid but jennifer doesnt like him. so at about 1 in the morning everyone snuck out to go see him but jennifer and i stayed back at the house. they ended up coming back at 2 completely drunk. mostly uhm we'll call her howard though. wow she was trashed. i wasnt exactly surprised though. i had a feeling something was up. but i was surprised and extremly dissappointed when uhh bertha came back stumbling and slurring.

i had always thought she was smart enough to stay straightedge and avoid all that crap and peer pressure. shes an extremely strong person who usually knows whats good for her. it made me really upset. whats the world coming to when the strongest person you know gives in to something that is really really stupid? i guess i just have too high of expectations for people. i dunno. but later she told me shes always drank but not often. that upset me too that she didnt even tell me being my best friend and all. but i guess everyone makes mistakes and gets into crap. so im willing to forgive her though in the back of my mind ill always remember how she dissapointed me. it shouldnt get in the way of our friendship though. i wont let it. im sick of losing friends and getting in fights over stupid stuff. so im going to do my best to get this stuff ive written down on this page out of my mind.

back to howard. she is a really really funny drunk. im not gonna lie. shes already a funny person so when you add not having a clue as to what shes doing it makes it hilarious. but then later after the humor was gone, she started throwing up and such. she drinks a lot and can usually hold her alcohol, but i guess it was just a little too much. she had never thrown up before now from it and it scared her to death. she thought she was going to die and she sat there for hours, head over the toilet, not being able to move at all except for the uncontrollable shaking. it was terrible and we all felt for her. so we stayed up until 4ish in the morning holding her hair and caring for her. but we definitly werent going to leave one of our best friends sides. we just dont work that way. we finally got her to go to sleep and got her through the night. she was still buzzed the next day which was pretty amusing but she puked a few times. not so good.

even with all these setbacks it was an exciting few days. i tightened up some friendships, mostly with jennifer. and i loosened one that im thinking might be a good idea to loosen a little bit. no matter how much i hate losing friends. i just hope that everything works out with everything and this soon to start school year will be great and ill always have this excellent memory of warped tour.

love to fans and friends,
ashleyy