what really bothers me

is that my best friend doesnt even seem to miss me. i havnt truly talked to her for months. i have no idea whats happening in her life. i miss talking to her every day and knowing everything that went on and being able to tell her everything that went on with me. just that friend to friend connection always made my day. now we never even talk. she doesnt seem to realize what a big deal it is to me.

i dont seem to have a best friend anymore. i dont have anyone close by that i can really talk to anymore. she was really all ive ever had now that i think about it. even when i lived in tennessee i never told anyone about what was really happening in my life. i just pretended to be happy and let my friends sadness stand for mine. i guess thats how its supposed to be though since the whole best friend thing didnt seem to work out. maybe im not supposed to have a best friend. maybe im just supposed to be a best friend to others and move through life with a lot of close but not all the way friends. maybe thats just how its supposed to be for me.

im all upset right now. its because of something stupid too. something i think in the back of my mind i was hoping for. though i dont want to admit it because its extremely selfish of me. but im upset that it happened because i expected her to tell me about it. i guess im upset because its what truly marked that we arent best friends anymore. i think ive known it for a while now but ive been brushing it off as something stupid. but now i need to accept that its true and move on.

i guess i only have two best friends of the four left in my life right now. i just wish they were close enough to talk to in person. three more days. three more days until i can talk it out to someone i know will listen and understand.

ashleyy